tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-42809138478481283252024-02-22T09:51:27.469-07:00The Toy Box YearsThe day-to-day life of a stay home mom and military wife!Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.comBlogger617125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-86632148983425767932016-09-22T05:00:00.000-06:002016-09-22T05:00:01.151-06:00Diary of a Brain Tumor - The More You Don't Need to Know<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Do you remember those commercial's...."The more you know!"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: large;">And my favorite...."Knowledge is Power!"<br /><br />Those statements are perfectly, honestly, and totally true. But sometimes, you just don't need to know everything.<br /><br />I'm one of those people that when something new is about to happen in my life (good or bad), I want to educate myself. I want to read & study everything I can get my hands on. <br /><br />Taking on a leadership position? Read a book about what makes a good leader.<br /><br />Putting together a big event? Read articles about those particular events and find other Facebook pages/groups to exchange ideas.<br /><br />Husband deploying? Buy every single book about military life & deployment. Read articles. Join FB groups and more.<br /><br />So when Nani was diagnosed with brain cancer, I did the same thing. I scoured Amazon for books to read. I "liked" various pediatric cancer and brain tumor FB pages & groups. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: large;">But once those books started coming in and the articles kept showing up in my email and the links kept popping up in my newsfeed, something began to happen. I didn't want to read them any more.<br /><br />I tried.<br /><br />I believed I had to educate myself about the journey that our family was about to take. Our Team was very thorough about the type of cancer that Nani has and, in fact, encouraged us NOT to Google her cancer at all. But, after almost 6 weeks, I let the demons win and I Googled her cancer. But I never opened the articles. The previews alone were enough to send me into a panic and would make me cry for days after.<br /><br />I even stopped reading the books about others who had been through cancer. Most of those stories did not have good endings. I would hide the FB groups from my newsfeed and only go every once in awhile. There were posts day after day of yet another child dying from cancer or another child relapsing. As a mother with a child going through it, it was too much to bear.<br /><br />But let's make one thing clear. I know the reality of my daughter's diagnosis. I know what "the statistics" say her prognosis and long-term survival rate for this type of cancer is. But I needed to be positive....I needed to have hope. I am not sticking my head in the sand and ignoring what could be. I just didn't want to surround myself with all the sadness all the time.<br /><br />In one of the books I started to read, the author was writing about her own diagnosis and one thing she wrote stuck with me. She was talking about all the people she encountered that would tell her stories about people..family or friends....they knew that died from cancer. She finally had to protect herself and she started saying, "If this story does not have a happy ending, I don't want to hear it."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: large;">That doesn't mean she was denying her diagnosis, she just chose to set the boundaries for how much sadness and reality she wanted in her life. This is exactly how I feel. I need to set the boundaries for myself and for my family.<br /><br />So, I ditched the cancer books. I started reading funny books....quick read books. Books that would distract me and make me laugh until tears rolled down my face. I started posting my daily morning funny on FB as well as looking for the humor and fun in our every day life.<br /><br />And I realized that sometimes knowledge isn't always power. Sometimes laughter and humor are just as powerful.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia"; font-size: large;"> </span>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-12111411855212185772016-09-18T09:00:00.001-06:002016-09-18T09:00:33.327-06:00Diary of Brain Tumor - Friendships Come, Friendships Go<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">It's hard to find something good in something so devastating like a cancer diagnosis. But as we travelled this road during the past 3 1/2 months, lots of little lessons started to show themselves to me and my family.<br /><br />But one of the biggest things that I'm grateful for...every single day....is my friendships and the friendships I've had to let go. Let me explain......<br /><br />The night that Nani had her emergency surgery to remove the pressure and tumor, my phone blew up. Text messages left and right. Messages on Facebook. Phone calls, voice mails. It was so hard to keep up with everyone....but I was moved to tears by the outpouring of support. My circle of friends was wide and strong.<br /><br />But once her diagnosis came, I noticed something different was happening. <br /><br />People I had been friends with stopped calling....stopped texting....stopped reaching out over Facebook. These were people I shared coffee with, shared laughs with, exchanged funnies over Facebook with. At first, I was hurt...and I was angry.<br /><br />But then I stopped and realized....it's ok. People may not know what to say or do in a time like that. They may think their gesture is not enough. Or, they just may think, "Thank God it's not me" and go on with their happy lives. And that's ok. God puts people into our lives for a season....and maybe my season with these people was over. So I stopped being hurt and just decided to let things go.<br /><br />Something amazing happened, though, when I did that. I started to recognize new friendships that were forming.....and even better.....reconnecting with friendships that had lapsed years before.<br /><br />I had reconnected with friends from my MOPS years....friendships that kind of drifted a bit, but were rekindled. I connected with moms sharing the same journey as I am right at this moment. I reconnected with friends from back home, from college, from our military days.<br /><br />The ebb & flow of friendship and supportive people in your life.</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Picture people holding hands to form a circle with me in the middle. The only thing protecting me and uplifting me was just the mere holding of hands. Something could easily break though just the hand holding. (Think the old Red Rover game you may have played as a child)<br /><br />But what I eventually realized was that even though my circle was wide....just by holding hands around me, that circle was still weak and could be broken. Once I decided that the bigger circle wasn't always the better circle, I let some friendships go and my circle now became smaller and more intimate. My protectors and uplifters were able to move closer and closer...no longer linking hands, but linking elbows, now standing shoulder to shoulder. They formed a protective barrier around me that could not be broken.<br /><br />They are the ones who text me from out of the blue asking how we are doing. They are the ones who make a trip to the hospital just to bring me a coffee at 5am....insisting the barista make that coffee when the Starbucks isn't even open yet.<br /><br />And to the ones who drifted away....it's ok. I'm not angry, I'm not hurt, I'm not bitter, and I certainly will not stop being your friend. I just now recognize that our season, for the moment, is just over for this time. We may reconnect on another level, at another time.....and I look forward to the day that may happen.</span><br />
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-89696910076934259992016-09-16T19:57:00.001-06:002016-09-16T22:14:45.456-06:00Diary of a Brain Tumor -- Mommy & Mary Jane<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">No, I did not make a new friend. Not in the least.<br /><br />Let me preface this by saying that while I was growing up, I was generally a good girl. I rebelled, like any kid would, but I never did drugs. Never, ever, ever. I may have tried a cigarette or two or snuck a few alcoholic drinks (Daddy - if you're reading this, it's too late to ground me!), but never did I do drugs.<br /><br />The closest I ever came to getting high was inhaling the secondhand smoke from the menthols my mother and her friends chain-smoked in the bar of the Duquesne Croatian Club.<br /><br />But I digress......<br /><br />When all of this brain cancer stuff happened with Nani, I was on hyper-alert. I wasn't sleeping well, at all. Nothing I tried worked. So, a dear friend of mine, one day brings me over a bottle of Stratos Sleep. She tells me to go ahead and take one at bedtime and I should sleep like a baby. <br /><br />Now you see that it CLEARLY says SLEEP on the bottle, right?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">Ok, I'm game. I've tried everything else -- and hey, I DO live in Colorado where there's a pot shop on every corner....right next to the liquor store and burrito trucks.<br /><br />So, on a night when I knew My Marine was going to be home, I pop one of these babies and wait for peaceful, blissful, relaxing sleep to come.<br /><br />What I got was nothing even close to peaceful, blissful, relaxing sleep.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><strong><u>1 am:</u></strong> <br />I am startled awake by Technicolor dreams starring images that were clearly created by Picasso. These images keep swirling in my brain, even as I sit up, wide awake in bed, thinking what the HELL was THAT? Every time I try to close my eyes, I see flashes of rainbow lights behind my eyelids and seriously begin to think that I'm stroking out.<br /><br /><strong><u>2:30am</u></strong><br />My legs start twitching like an Irish dancer in Riverdance. Nothing I do seems to stop the independent flailing of my limbs. So I decide to get up. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><strong><u>2:45am</u></strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">My Marine sits up and sees me pacing a rut in front of our bed. He looks at me and asks, "What the fuck is WRONG with you??!!" I look at him and practically snarl, "I'm going to KILL her.....I'm going to kill "insert friend's name". Peaceful, relaxing sleep, my ass! I'm going to kill her!!!" I tell him that I'm pacing the floor because it's too fucking dark to take the dog for a walk, and at the moment, she's hiding from me in the closet because I'm scaring her to death.<br /><br /><strong><u>3:15am</u></strong><br />After doing about a marathon's worth of pacing in my bedroom, I calm down enough to crawl into bed and try to get back to sleep.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><strong><u>Somewhere between 3:15-4:00am</u></strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">My legs have finished their encore performance, the giant, Picasso-like images in my brain have gone back to whatever circle of hell drug-induced Technicolor nightmares come from, and I'm finally able to go back to sleep.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;"><strong><u>6am</u></strong></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: large;">I wake up with a horrible cottonmouth and a hangover headache that I haven't felt since My Marine was deployed. I don't remember drinking the night before.....or did this crap work like Ambien....where you do stuff and you don't remember. I drag myself downstairs and don't see any evidence of an unconscious drinking binge in the kitchen or recycling bin. So I make myself a cup of coffee and tell myself...."NEVER again!"<br /><br />Two days later, I go into another recreational pot shop just to see if maybe I just got a bad batch of this stuff. I go in and talk to the very nice couple behind the counter. I explained what happened and she started to laugh and said......<br /><br />"Oh, you're one of those....."<br /><br />What does THAT mean?<br /><br />Turns out that there is a percentage of users who experience the opposite effect of what this particular product was supposed to do. Instead of relaxing you, it has you up at all hours chasing the dragon while doing Riverdance in your bedroom.<br /><br />And I'm one of those lucky percentages. <br /><br />She tried to sell me an edible chocolate bar which she said would work much better for me.<br /><br />I told her no thanks.....I think I'll just stick with my wine..........</span>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-29224688759367025112016-06-29T07:07:00.001-06:002016-06-29T07:07:27.108-06:00Diary of a Brain Tumor - A Series of Miracles.......<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Have you seen the movie, "Miracles from Heaven"? I went earlier this spring to see it with a dear friend of mine....and then a week later, I took Nani to see it. (Looking back, I'd say that was probably a bit prophetic, wouldn't you?)</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">At the end, the mom talks about how miracles are all around us.....they are not just big or small, but they are in the every day moments. And once things settled down, and I looked back, I could see all the signs.....a series of miracles that led us to where we are with Nani today.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">* <u>Not taking her into the ER earlier.</u> My initial thought, coming home from church, was to take her to the ER immediately. My Marine suggested we wait a little bit, which ended up being a good thing. Nani had started to feel better by early afternoon. If we had taken her, she would have been feeling better and they may have just sent us home with meds which would have masked her pain.....the pain that signaled that the tumor burst and was building pressure. We could have lost Nani that night, at home.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">* <u>The severe pain.</u> When Nani started experiencing severe pain, that was when the tumor burst and started to bleed. It's hard to fathom being thankful for something that causes you to scream in pain, but this is what prompted us to get to the ER when we did.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">* <u>The doctor in the ER quickly switching her decision from giving a spinal tap to getting a CT scan</u>. We found out later that everything was all laid out for the spinal tap, but the doctor, at the last minute, had a gut feeling and ordered an immediate CT scan. If we had gone on with the spinal tap, it would have cost us precious minutes....even seconds....in getting Nani to Children's Hospital.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">* <u>The storm.</u> All evening long, while we were in the ER, there was no rain, no storms. Nothing. Once they loaded her into the helicopter, we were hit with a terrible lightening storm. This wasn't the pretty flashes of lightening in the clouds either. We're talking cloud to ground lightening bolts, heavy rain and winds. As someone who flies on helicopters, My Marine kept trying to tell me it would be ok.....but I knew. He's told me many times that they don't fly in that kind of weather....period. It's just too dangerous. But as we got closer to the hospital, My Marine saw the strobe on the landing pad and knew they were there. I am convinced that it was the Hands of God that got them there. He wrapped His Hands around that helicopter and guided them there.....safely.<br /><br />*<u>Surviving the beginning of surgery.</u> Nani was not supposed to survive that surgery. Period. They did not expect a good outcome. Not only did she survive the initial part of the surgery to relieve the pressure, but she remained stable. Stable enough for them to go in and remove the majority of the tumor. They would not need to go back in at another time and perform another surgery.<br /><br />*<u>Waking up and recovery.</u> When he came to see us after the surgery was over, Dr. Hankinson prepared us for the fact that Nani would not wake up until at least mid-week and that she might have some neurological deficits. When finally went back to see her, they told us that she woke up in the CT scanner -- 30 MINUTES AFTER SURGERY! She fully woke up, kicking & fighting, an hour later....both terrified and fighting mad. Her medical team was amazed. From that moment on, she achieved and surpassed recovery milestones days before she was supposed to.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">*<u>Support.</u> From the time this nightmare started, we were never alone. From my Army sister, "V" driving in the middle of the night to pick up Nudgie at the ER, to my MOPS sister, "T" who brought me Starbucks at the crack of dawn, to the barista at that very Starbucks who still made the coffee for me when they weren't even open yet, to my other Army sister, "L" who came later that day with a bag of snacks. To CH Dave who dropped everything to be at the hospital with us that morning....to making phone calls to notify, what seemed like the entire Colorado Army National Guard, what was happening. To CH Dave's wife, "C" who also provided us with a bag of goodies. To our Army family who immediately circled the wagons around us. The list goes on and on and on........<br /><br /><br />Miracles don't have to be big, booming spectacles. They can also come in subtle ways, like a friend's text or a cup of hot coffee or the nurse's smile when he says, "She's doing incredible" or the parking spot that opens up just in the right place.<br /><br />You just need to look for them. You may have miracles happening all around you every single day.....don't miss them!</span><br />
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-8985110860198444262016-06-22T06:57:00.003-06:002016-06-22T07:51:34.306-06:00Diary of a Brain Tumor - Bitter or BlessedI apologize for not writing for awhile......again.<br />
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When I started writing again, I was writing about the week that we were dealing with Nani's brain surgery. I was just getting into the swing of writing about it, when the fucking truck that hit us out of nowhere threw it into reverse, backed up, and hit us again going the other way.<br />
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Brain cancer.<br />
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My Nani has brain cancer.<br />
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June 3, 2016 was D-Day for us -- Diagnosis Day.<br />
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The rest of that Friday, what was left, was a carousel of emotions. I'd go from peaceful calm to wanting to break something....anything. I watched Nani ride her bike on the street after we got home and I was numb. This could NOT be happening.....LOOK at her for God's sake! To look at her, you'd never know she just had her skull cut open 5 days prior. HOW can this be happening???<br />
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That night and over that weekend, I was angry and bitter.<br />
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We get the diagnosis and the very next morning, My Marine leaves for his 2-week Annual Training, and I'm left holding the pieces. Nani was scared and cried a lot. She had anxiety-induced nausea and vomiting. Nudgie cried because she was scared that her sister was sick. And I cried because I'm by myself, having to hold them both while they cried......feeling myself getting angrier and angrier.<br />
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That night, I sat and was looking through Facebook. Reading everyone's messages of support, love and prayers was helpful......but I still felt bitter.<br />
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Bitter because, while they said they were praying for us and for Nani, they still get to hold their normal, healthy children......they still were posting pictures of their happy summer vacations......their kids swimming, riding their bikes....happy, smiling, kids without brain cancer. Nani was supposed to have the same summer. We were supposed to go to Texas this summer. Now our summer vacation is filled with road trips to the hospital......chemo treatments.....radiation treatments.....MRIs.<br />
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My heart hardened even more.<br />
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I went through my newsfeed and shut off all my notifications. If I saw one more happy, smiling summer picture I was going to throw my laptop across the room.<br />
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That night I sat in my bathtub....in scalding hot water.....and God and I had a chat. It was mostly one-sided because I poured it all out. I asked God over and over why this was happening to my Nani.....she doesn't deserve this. She's a good girl.....smart, kind, beautiful, talented. I asked God why didn't He answer our prayers.....that the tumor NOT be cancer. I asked God if He heard Nani crying.....if He heard Nudgie crying.....if He heard ME crying.....my mother's heart shattered into a million sharp and cutting shards.<br />
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I was done. I wanted nothing to do with Him. But God wasn't done with me OR with my family.<br />
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I did not want to go to church the next morning, but I went for Nani. She wanted to go. I sat in the back and told God, "Ok, I'm here.....but this is all You get." I stood with my arms crossed while the Worship Team sang about God's goodness. I thought, "Really God? Goodness? What is so good about giving an 11-year old brain cancer?" The anger and bitterness swelling inside me....and I almost walked out.<br />
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Until Joel, our Worship pastor, started talking. I don't remember much of what he said, but I remember that it tied in so much with what I was feeling the night before....coming to the end of my rope, does God hear me. I have to sit down.......the floodgates just opened and I'm openly crying in church....ugly cry.....trying to hard not to sob out loud. Then he starts singing "O Come to the Altar".....I put my head on my knees and just let it all out.<br />
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He heard me. He heard my cries. He heard Nani and Nudgie's cries.<br />
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The bitterness and anger started to melt away. The darkness was chased away by the Light. I knew, at that moment, that God had my Nani in the palm of His hand. That we will never be alone through this journey.<br />
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I will still have days of anger and sadness and fear and frustration and disappointment. But instead of allowing the bitterness to take hold, I will remember how blessed I am to have a mighty God in my corner and an army of angels surrounding us.<br />
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He heard me.......and He answered.<br />
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-59028778364875325502016-06-08T07:11:00.002-06:002016-06-08T07:11:42.859-06:00How To Support #TeamDanjelaI've had to stop blogging for a bit because I've been wrapping my head around the diagnosis that my baby girl has a brain tumor.....and our world has been moving at 1000 mph since then.<br /><br />Before I jump back into posting about our journey, I wanted to do a post about how your can support our daughter and our family during this journey. There are so many ways you can help!<br /><br />First - if you're on Facebook, you can "like" her support page - <a href="https://www.facebook.com/DanjelaBelo/">"Support For Danjela".</a> Click <a href="https://www.facebook.com/DanjelaBelo/">HERE </a>to go directly to her page. I will be posting updates there regularly.<br />
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Second - you can go to her <a href="https://www.gofundme.com/25mkg3s4">GoFundMe </a>page and support there. Please know that, as a family, we are NOT asking for donations.....just prayers. But if you are inclined to help, this is an option as well. Click <a href="https://www.gofundme.com/25mkg3s4">HERE</a> to go directly to that page.<br />
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Third - our amazing Colorado National Guard Family Programs staff have setup a Meal Train for us. It doesn't even have to be a cooked meal. Gift cards for restaurants and grocery stores are great too. Again -- we are NOT asking for donations -- just prayers. And again, if you are inclined to help, we are so very grateful. Click <a href="https://www.mealtrain.com/trains/745n02">HERE</a> to go directly to that page.<br />
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Fourth - a very good friend of mine has set up a #TeamDanjela photo campaign. She is asking that wherever you are, if you have a moment, to take a photo with the #TeamDanjela hashtag in it and post it to Facebook or Instagram. If you use FB, please be sure to also put #TeamDanjela in the comments so that we'll be able to search and find it. If you use Instagram, please use #TeamDanjela as well as @marinehawkwife12 so that we can search and find it as well.<br />
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<br /><br />Fifth - Cards of support are always appreciated. You can send cards directly to:<br /><br />The Belo Family <br /> C/O Suzanne Buemi <br /> 12200 E. Briarwood Ave. Ste. 160<br /> Centennial, CO 80112<br />
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Please know that we, as a family, appreciate every single thought, prayer, message, text, comment that supports our Nani's fight. No family should have to go through this. Thank you for sharing our journey with us.<br /><br />#Sheischosenandblessed #TeamDanjela<br /><br /><br />
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-55674701453777439322016-06-03T05:00:00.000-06:002016-06-03T05:00:17.536-06:00Diary of a Brain Tumor - The WaitNani went into surgery around 1:30am. And the agonizing wait began.<br />
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I had been posting updates on FB as we went through the night, but already messages of support were starting to come in. Most of them were shocked responses. What?? Not Nani! Not this healthy, beautiful, 11 year old artist, singer and ballerina.<br />
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We were given a few options on where we could wait. We could wait in her actual PICU room, but we said no right away. I didn't think I could handle being in there when (or if) they wheeled her back in and I wasn't prepared for what I was seeing....or even if the news was bad. We could wait in the waiting area outside the PICU on the same floor or we could wait in the waiting room on the surgical floor. One nurse suggested we wait there in case they needed to find us.....so down we went with our Chaplain, who's name is Olive.<br />
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At first, I was numb. Still trying to process what the hell was happening to our family. We did normal things....plugged in our cell phones, posted an update, got some water, tried to get comfortable. We knew we were in for a long wait.<br />
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I remember having moments of ups and downs. During the ups, I would be calm....able to have a conversation, just maintaining general conversation. Olive was very good and skilled at asking questions that would get us talking....keeping our minds off the agony of waiting.<br />
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But the downs.....the downs felt like I was descending into the pit of hell. My mind would go everywhere......I remember telling Olive about Nani's upcoming 5th Grade Continuation and how just last week we bought her a beautiful new dress to wear. I remember falling apart, crying, and saying how terrified I was that we would be burying her in that dress. My mind went there......this was our reality at the moment.<br />
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At one point, I went off into a corner by myself, got on my knees and started praying the rosary. I didn't care about the Mysteries for that particular day.....I just kept saying the Hail Mary and Our Father over and over and over......feeling those beads in between my fingers.....clutching them so hard that at one point during the night they broke.<br />
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I only made it about halfway through before I lost it again......a mother's wailing, tears that just won't stop coming, begging God on my knees not to take Nani away from me. I remember feeling My Marine's hands on my back and shoulders all through this......he was suffering too....in his own way.<br />
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By this point, at least an hour and a half had gone by and Olive felt that we should have gotten some word. So she went up to the PICU on our behalf. While I waited for her to come back, I went into the restroom and caught my reflection in the mirror. My face was swollen, my eyes puffy and almost closed shut from crying so much. I can't ever remember crying so hard.<br />
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By the time I came out, Olive was coming up to us to say that she had news......Nani was stable. This was HUGE and such a good sign. Olive was a little upset for us that we had to wait on that 2nd floor, so she insisted that we go back up to the PICU where we could go in and talk to the nurse directly. <br />
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Stable......she was stable......which meant she was alive. A small weight was starting to lift from my stomach and I had a glimmer of hope that she would come through this.<br />
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When we got up to the PICU, Olive introduced us to Alex.....the nurse who was there when they brought Nani in and she was the nurse that would be receiving updates from the ER. She would also be our night nurse during our stay in the PICU. She told us that Nani was, indeed, stable. They were able to go in and relieve the pressure with no complications and that they felt that since she was doing so well, they were going to go in and remove the tumor.<br />
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Thank You God! Thank You Jesus! Thank You Blessed Virgin Mary and all the Saints! She wasn't out of the woods completely, but there was Hope.<br />
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About two hours later, I went in for another update. The surgery had gone well. They got most of the tumor and were finishing up the surgery. After that, they were going to take her for another CT Scan, clean her up and then bring her to the PICU and then we could see her. Alex said it would probably be about another hour and a half.<br />
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Four hours......her surgery took four long, agonizing hours. At the beginning, we didn't know what the outcome would be......I was fully prepared to have to post a message that Nani had gone Home to Jesus. But instead, I was posting that God took care of our baby.....He touched her and used the hands of the surgeons to see her through. My faith soared....my Hope was in Him....that He would continue to walk with Nani and us through this journey. At this point, Nani was alive. It didn't matter, at that moment, what the side effects or neurological repercussions would be. <br />
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She....was.....alive......Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-38778785035213142652016-06-02T08:13:00.000-06:002016-06-02T08:13:21.357-06:00Diary of a Brain Tumor - It Couldn't Get WorseYou always hear the phrase, "The darkest hour is just before the dawn". Truer words never spoken that night. Nani's condition was getting worse and we were running out of options.<br /><br />Life Flight.....switching from ground transport to air because time was of the essence. She was bleeding into her brain, was unresponsive and her left pupil was blown.<br />
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They moved her immediately into another room where they prepared her for sedation so they could put in a breathing tube. She was still breathing on her own, but since her situation was so dire, they wanted to make sure they were ready "just in case" and they didn't have to waste precious time they just didn't have.<br /><br />The Chaplain sat with us again and explained what was going on while we waited....again... seconds just ticking away. <br /><br />Finally, they were ready and we got to go back and see her. She was sedated and so still and pale. She had the breathing tube in. To see your child like that is unimaginable. To say it's a nightmare doesn't even scratch the surface.<br /><br />I asked if I could touch her and they said I could. I held her hand and stroked her forehead....moving little pieces of hair out of her face. I whispered in her ear that mommy and daddy were right there with her and she had to be strong. I then whispered to her that she was finally getting that helicopter ride she always wanted to take.....and she moved, every so slightly, but she moved. My Marine went over to talk to her too and then we waited outside in the halls.<br /><br />My Marine, as a Blackhawk crewchief, has worked with Med-Evac in the past and knew some of the Life Flight crew. He would talk me through what was going on, what they were doing....which was very calming, I think, for both of us. When they rolled her past us, she was all wrapped up tight, like a blue burrito. She even had the blue surgical cap on as well. One of the crew came up to me and handed me a Life Flight pin, hugged me and said they'd take good care of her. We'd be following in our car....about 5-10 minutes behind her.<br /><br />I remember watching her being rolled out and looking around the ER. It was completely silent. Everything stopped and she was the main focus at that point. I looked on the faces of the staff and saw sympathy and sadness......they knew that this may not turn out good. The odds were not in our favor.<br /><br />As we gathered up our things, I remember just shoving stuff into my purse....still having the sense to make sure we, at least, had our phone chargers.....and then we headed out to the car. As we pulled out, we slowed down just a brief moment to watch them load her in helicopter. As a mother, I would feel helpless a lot during the next week.....but this was just the beginning. She was going alone.....I could not be there with her.<br />
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<br /><br />As we drove off, I looked up and noticed that there was lightening.....a lot of lightening. That pit started to form in my stomach again. My Marine kept telling me to keep watching out the window and I'd see them flying. But as the weather worsened, all I saw was lightening......cloud to ground lightening bolts all around. While normally this would be such a beautiful sight.....this was a bad thing for helicopters. And then the rain started.....hard, driving, pouring rain and lightening bolts all around. While My Marine kept trying to ease my worries.....I've been around aviation enough to know that there was no way in hell they'd be able to fly through this. I could hear it in his voice. I kept my hands over my eyes the whole drive. I just didn't want to see the lightening.<br /><br />As we got closer to the hospital, I heard My Marine say, "They made it" and showed me where to look for the strobe lights on the top of the hospital. It was a miracle.....God's Hands wrapped around that helicopter, protecting it from the weather and guided it safely there. I could breathe just for a moment.<br /><br />Once we got to the hospital, they directed us where to go immediately. I was so impressed how they already knew we were coming....had wrist bands already for us. When we got to our floor, there was a chaplain and a nurse waiting for us as well and took us back to the PICU.<br /><br />We didn't even have time to see her. I remember the hallways being dark & dim except for her room which was filled with bright white light. There were people all around her, moving, doing something....<br /><br />And then a man came over....grabbed our arms and pulled us over to the side. He handed us a piece of paper and said, "We're out of options. Your daughter needs emergency surgery and she needs it now. If we do not relieve the pressure on her brain, she will die."<br /><br />I remember saying, No, no, no, no over and over again. My legs collapsed around me and I felt arms hold me up as my worst nightmare, my worst fears were coming true. My Marine had to be the strong one and sign the papers as I don't think I could have even remembered how to hold a pen.<br /><br />They took us back to see her and again, I asked if I could touch her. I looked at my sweet girl. She looked like she was asleep. She still had the breathing tube in and she had IVs everywhere. There were two little sharpie marks -- one in the middle of her forehead and one by her left ear. I leaned over her....held her hand....kissed her on her cheek and cried as I begged God to please save her, to please be with her. I prayed for everyone I knew who had passed to be with her. I prayed for her Guardian Angel to comfort her and help her to not be scared. I prayed for the surgeons and the team who'd be operating on her. My last gesture was to make the sign of the cross on her forehead.....and I watched as they rolled her away.<br /><br />All I could think of was, "Dear God, please don't let that be the last time I see her alive."<br />
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And the wait began........Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-58989511417709767482016-06-01T05:00:00.000-06:002016-06-01T05:00:26.121-06:00Diary of a Brain Tumor - The Next Few HoursWe knew this situation was bad. There was so much going on that I just didn't have a chance to really process. I had one very sick daughter on one hand and on the other, I had a very scared daughter who just didn't know what was going on. While I wanted to collapse in a heap in the corner and just scream and cry....I had to hold it together for her......for both of them.<br />
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My dear sweet friend, V, came to the hospital and picked her up. The plan was to take her back to our house so she could get some sleep. In the midst of all this, my heart was breaking for Nudgie because she had a field trip the next morning and I was supposed to chaperone. I hadn't been able to make any of her field trips this year and she was looking forward to me going with her. V said she'd stay and get her off to school the next morning, if needed. We kissed and hugged Nudgie and told her that Auntie V would be taking care of her for a bit and that I'd be there as soon as I could.<br />
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By the time they left, the Chaplain had arrived. CH Ron was a key part in keeping us as calm as expected. By that point, I had allowed all the emotions and fear I was holding in to protect Nudgie to come out. I clutched my rosary beads while we were escorted to another room while they prepped Nani for transport.<br />
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All I remember was shock.....shock....pain.....agony.....disbelief.....and guilt. Oh, how the guilt weighed heavy on me. How could I have missed this? Nani never gets headaches, but over the span of the last 2-3 months, they popped up....not painful and not frequent, but they were there. Then I felt guilty because I had yelled at her that morning....on our way to church.....over something stupid, like the broken handle of a gift bag. And then I hit the ultimate guilt......I'm being punished. God gave me this child and I'm a bad mom because I'm hard on her, I yell at her, I expect perfection out of her. God is going to punish me for that by taking her away from me. Yes....I went there.<br /><br />I poured this all out to the Chaplain while twisting my rosary and tattered Kleenex in my hands. He spoke words to us that I really don't remember much of now.....but one thing that stuck with me....and still makes me smile. He looked me right in the eye and he said, "I know this is so hard and unimaginable for you and you don't know now why this happening....but it's really ok to look up and say, "Fuck you God!" He can take it."<br /><br />At this time, they came back and told us that the ambulance was there and they were getting ready. I remember saying that I wanted to go to the rest room before getting in the ambulance, so My Marine and the Chaplain went ahead into Nani's room. <br /><br />Five minutes......that's all it took for our world to take yet another drastic downturn.<br /><br />When I walked towards Nani's room, there was so much activity. Too much activity for an ambulance transport. The doctor pulled me aside, with My Marine, and told us that the pressure in her brain was increasing....fast. She was unresponsive, her left pupil was blown, and they feared that she was bleeding in her brain. <br /><br />Our only option at this point was flying her by helicopter.....and they called in Life Flight.<br /><br />The nightmare continues............Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-55232251449625288092016-05-31T07:58:00.000-06:002016-05-31T07:58:28.203-06:00Diary of a Brain Tumor<span style="font-size: large;">After almost 6 months of not blogging, this was really not the way I wanted to come back. But yes, you read that right......<br /><br />Diary of a Brain Tumor......<br /><br />On Sunday, May 22nd, my beautiful, sweet Nani was diagnosed with a 7cm brain tumor.<br /><br />That morning started off normally. We got up, got ready for church. Nani was moving a little slower than normal, but I thought nothing of it. I asked her to help me wrap a gift for her Youth Pastor & his wife, who are expecting their first baby. </span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">On our way to church, Nani said she had a headache. She had complained of headaches before....every once in awhile and nothing severe. We'd tell her to drink more water, give her some aspirin and tell her to rest. Looking back now......all the signs were there.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;">We got to church and went our separate ways.....Nani to her Youth class, Nudgie to her class, and me to church. After church, I go to pick her up and passed one of the little girls in the hall. She asked if I was Nani's mom and told me that Nani was in the bathroom throwing up. Her teachers caught up with me and told me the same thing. I gathered up Nani from the bathroom and asked her how she was feeling. She said her head still hurt and her tummy was queasy. She mentioned a little blurry vision. My Marine and I both have migraines, so my mind started to go there.<br /><br />We got her home and into bed. I gave her some aspirin and she fell right asleep after vomiting one last time. She got up around 2pm and said she was hungry and feeling much better. She ate a donut and played with her sister for a bit. Around dinner time, she started to look sick again, so we told her to go ahead up to bed.<br /><br />20 minutes later, the screaming started.<br /><br />She kept holding the left side of her head saying the pain was so bad. It would ease for a few minutes and then start up all over again. A small part of me was still hoping for a migraine, but my momma's heart told me something else was going on. We bundled her up and went straight to the ER.<br /><br />When we got there, they immediately took her back. Her vitals were good, no fever, but she looked so pale and lethargic. The ER doctor immediately went to meningitis and wanted to do a spinal tap. While we were open to all methods of treatment, we really wanted to try some pain management first before going that route.<br /><br />They took blood, which came back normal except for a low potassium count. They gave her some meds to increase that along with some Tylenol. My Marine and I decided that I would take Nudgie home to try to get some sleep. (This was about 9pm now). About an hour later, My Marine called me to tell me that while the Tylenol worked at first, once it started to wear off, the pain came back. We were looking at something other than a migraine and he gave his consent for the spinal tap.<br /><br />At this point, I bundle Nudgie back up in the car and head back to the ER, which is only about 15 minutes away. By the time I got there, My Marine told me that the doctor had ordered a CT scan before doing the tap. About 20 minutes later, the doctor and a nurse walk in and close the door.<br /><br />I knew something was wrong.....terribly wrong.<br /><br />They told us that the CT scan revealed a 7 cm mass on her brain.....and it had been there for a long time. She had immediately called over the Children's Hospital's neurology department and they wanted her immediately. They called a chaplain for us and began making arrangements to transport my baby by ambulance ASAP. I called my dear Army Sister to come pick up Nudgie to take her home. The world is spinning and we're making phone calls to family and close friends letting them know the situation. At one point, my legs totally collapsed from underneath me and the diagnosis started to set in. <br /><br />Our nightmare was just beginning............</span>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-25530798970217244962016-01-02T07:54:00.001-07:002016-01-02T07:54:48.669-07:00January No Spend/Low Spend/Decluttering Challenge<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><br />For those of you who have followed me, you know that this past Fall I did a Saving & Giving Challenge where I challenged myself not to compulsively shop for new craft supplies, books or clothes as well as declutter and give away as much as I could. It was about 50% successful on the spending front and 100% successful on the decluttering/giving front. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times; font-size: large;">With the holidays, spending was out of control and decluttering was put on a hold. So now it's time to sit down and put that plan back into action.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">So, I give you my January Goals:</span><br />
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<li><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">No purchasing of books, clothes, toys, craft supplies, unless I can use store credit or gift cards. Evaluate purchases that do not include food, toiletries, medication.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Track spending & bills to help me start planning a better budget.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Inventory what's in my freezer and use that to m</span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">eal plan - using what's here & buying only necessary food items</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Declutter! Three target areas for this month are the bathroom cabinets, the storage cabinet in our family room and Christmas items. </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Consign or giveaway any items from decluttering challenge </span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Start rebuilding savings accounts for the girls and our emergency fund. Return to plan of depositing My Marine's extra military pay.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: large;">Work on business plan for my store. Add new items to inventory. Order business cards (using money from business sales). Make a plan for selling at craft fairs. Explore other options for marketing.</span></li>
<li><span style="font-family: Times; font-size: large;">Take the change jar to the bank to count & deposit.</span></li>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">And there it is......small & simple!<br /><br />What about you? Do you have any goals for January?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">~~ Jennifer</span></div>
Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-25072827273546527982016-01-01T12:19:00.002-07:002016-01-01T12:19:57.589-07:002016 - A New Beginning.....Again<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">How is it that I can both simultaneously love and hate New Year's? </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">I hate it because it really marks the end of Christmas.....the tree droops a little more, the lights have a little less sparkle, the decorations look cluttered.<br /><br />But I love it because it's a fresh slate....a new beginning.....a chance to start over. The possibilities ahead of you are endless.....and it's all yours for the taking.<br /><br />I've looked back on prior blog posts and saw that I've created "RESOLUTIONS". I've had general lists, I've broken them into categories.....but no matter what, they're always the same -- be a better wife, be a better parent, do this, don't do that.....blah, blah, blah, blah. And within a few days or weeks, I failed or just plain stopped trying.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">But in light of some personal changes I've been going through over the past few months, I've decided to skip the list and jump on the bandwagon of choosing one word to be my focus for the New Year. But then I ran into a dilemma......what words to pick? What if I pick the wrong word? (Yeah, I tend to overthink everything.....it's a curse!)<br /><br />In the end, I felt pulled to two words -- SIMPLICITY and DETERMINATION. And who says you need to just pick one word? Last year, I picked two -- FAITH and HOPE......because in my mind, you can't have one without the other. I felt the same way about these words. A friend suggested that we have a family word and a personal word. <br /><br />So, I decided that SIMPLICITY would be our family word and DETERMINATION would be my personal word.</span><br />
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong><span style="color: red;">SIMPLICITY</span></strong></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Learning to say NO without guilt.<br />Cutting back on technology.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Cutting back on spending.<br />Not worrying about keeping up with the Doe Family. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">More family time. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">More decluttering. </span><br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Learning to li<span class="text_exposed_show">ve with less, not more.</span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: red; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;"><strong>DETERMINATION</strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Determination to pay down at least 5 of our debts.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Determination to use cash more.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Determination to control my spending & be more on top of paying bills. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Determination not to buy approval.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Determination to become healthier and fitter. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Determination to see my business grow. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">Determination to step out of my comfort zone.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">And so as the New Year starts, I sit here determined and full of a desire for simplicity. Some days will be easier than others, I know.....but I'm sure as heck going to try!<br /><br />Do you pick a word for the New Year? I'd love to hear what some of YOUR words are!</span></div>
Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-55497033539314288272015-10-16T07:03:00.002-06:002015-10-16T07:05:02.434-06:00Saving & Giving Challenge - What I Learned..........<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">It's mid-October and I realized that I never did a recap or end-of-challenge blog post for the September Challenge. I really couldn't believe that the month went by so quickly.....but it was definitely an eye-opening, lesson-learning experience for me!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">So what did I learn?</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">I learned that I CAN put money into savings and not think twice about spending it. I learned that I LIKE seeing the numbers grow in that savings account and that when I see that savings build up, it makes me think twice about wanting to spend. When I would spend money I didn't have, the account would be red, and I'd have to transfer money from savings to cover that. But now....I think twice.....but then I also find myself swinging to the other extreme at times-- not wanting to spend at all.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">I learned that when I put my mind to it, I can avoid the impulse buys.....but I learned that I still have a long way to with controlling my emotions.....or rather, letting my emotions control me......as my binges proved. I learned that I can recognize those trigger emotions and try to come up with better coping techniques.<br /><br />I learned that my organizational OCD tendencies can prove to be very beneficial when planning a budget and making sure that bills get paid on time. I starting marking bill due dates in my calendar and deducting them in the checkbook right away so that I can see - in black and white - where the money is going.<br /><br />I learned that auto bill paying can be my best friend<br /><br />I learned that I still have problems writing actual checks for bills where auto pay is not an option. I learned that I need to figure out why this is such a sticking point for me and come up with a better way to deal with this.<br /><br />I learned that, while some unplanned expenses will pop up (i.e. car repairs, unexpected tickets from vacation, etc.), I can cope a little better knowing that I have a little bit of a savings cushion right now. (See point #1)<br /><br />I learned that my compulsive spending has led to a minor case of hoarding and a big case of clutter. They go hand in hand for me. I learned that I'm not a big full-price buyer and that my compulsion is fueled by the thrill of finding good bargains and sales.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">I learned that it's ok to let it all go. I learned that it feels so good to just give and not expect anything in return. I learned that this is something I want to continue to do in the months to come.<br /><br />I learned that I still have a long way to go and that I will never have this 100% under control. I learned that each day will present it's own challenges and that only I can choose how to handle them. Some days I will succeed.....and some days I will fail big time......and that's ok. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: large;">As long as I learn and keep moving forward, it will all be ok........</span>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-16068999931891340912015-09-26T07:57:00.000-06:002015-09-26T07:57:57.442-06:00It's Furlough Season Everyone!<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_56068e02ed10c7d27106953">
Ah yes.....October 1st is quickly approaching.....and it's the most wonderful time of the year! It's Furlough Season everyone!!<br />
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For those out there who aren't familiar with this JOYOUS celebration, let me share with you! Furlough Season is where all government employees around the country join hands in anticipation of the arrival of the Furlough Fairy. <br />
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The Furlough Fairy flies throughout the country on Furlough Eve <em>(which is September 30th)</em> spreading the shredded remains of the previous year's government budget. As these sparkles of joy fall from the sky, governments across the land shut down, paychecks magically stop coming and thousands of government employees are granted extended vacations. <br />
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First time celebrating Furlough Season? Here are some tips that my family has used throughout the years. <br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show">* Here in our home, the kids and I decorate our little Furlough tree with the hundreds of coupons for $1 off SPAM and BOGO beef jerky. In the spirit of Furlough Season, we don't use our twinkle lights because it takes away from the bleakness that we try to embrace as a family.</span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show">* About a week before Furlough Day, I change my ringtone to ACDC's "Money Talks" just for my creditors. <em>(Creditors are people too and they especially love this time of year more than we do, I think!)</em></span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show">* Most government recreational parks and attractions are closed during this time, so the kids and I really take advantage of this time to enjoy our local park bench in front of Wal-Mart while Daddy is inside filling out an application at the job kiosk. Sometimes we let the kids go too so that they can experience the wonders of a paperless job application process. <em>(It's all about teaching them life skills people!)</em></span><br />
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* Be sure to check your mailboxes for my annual <strong>"Woo Hoo! The Government's Broke!"</strong> greeting card/family letter where I share articles like "How to Dodge the Repo Man in Two Easy Steps", "How To Make Homemade Cough Syrup With Just a Bottle of Tequila and Food Coloring". I also have a recipe section where I share with you tips on how to feed a family of 4 + one dog with one can of tuna and french fries found in your car.</div>
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* And don't forget to Google "Homemade Xanax"! I know there are a lot of affordable homeopathic remedies out there. <em>(My favorite is mixing a tablespoon of Nyquil with a shot of gin)</em></div>
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But seriously......all kidding aside. I seriously wish, along with millions of other Americans, that Congress would get their shit together. Every year, government employees go through this stress all because a group of selfish, inconsiderate assholes in suits can't agree like adults. They are willing to put thousands of families and their livelihood at risk because no one is willing to concede or budge. It's my way or I'll take my ball and go home -- in this case, let's shut the government down until we get our way. </div>
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While my husband sits at home without a paycheck, those jackasses sit on their asses in D.C. STILL collecting a paycheck, driving expensive cars and eating lunches that cost more than my monthly grocery budget. Enough already.<br />
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Now if you'll excuse me, I need to start my dinner preparations. Tonight we're having oatmeal shaped in the form of meatloaf.<br />
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Happy Furlough Season to all......and to all, a good night.........<br />
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-24841880842511260302015-09-26T05:00:00.000-06:002015-09-26T05:00:01.646-06:00"Off-Tober" Rules - Part 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
SIX days until I start the <strong><em>"Off-Tober"</em></strong> Challenge! You can read the initial post about the challenge <a href="http://thetoyboxyears.blogspot.com/2015/09/spending-less-loving-more-off-tober.html">HERE</a> and Part 1 of my rules <a href="http://thetoyboxyears.blogspot.com/2015/09/off-tober-rules-part-1.html">HERE</a>.<br />
<br />
Part 2 of the rules will touch on television. <br />
<br />
If I have an addiction to Facebook, then TV is a close tie. I suppose I should have chosen to do TV as it's own separate challenge......because, let's face it. This one is going to be tough.<br />
<br />
We have 3 TVs in the house. Nani has one in her room, but she can only watch DVDs on it. Nudgie has a portable DVD player that also serves as a CD player as well. We have Netflix, Hulu, On Demand, and Direct TV. And I'm sure at one point, all of our TVs have been on simultaneously at one time or another.<br />
<br />
TV is my background noise. TV is my escape when I don't want to do housework. TV is my babysitter and my buffer. And I'll tell you an even bigger confession......I can't sleep without the TV on. I suppose that goes back to my early married days when My Marine was gone for weeks/months at a time. I lived alone in an apartment in a not-so-nice area.....the TV kept me company. I liked hearing those voices......it made me feel like I wasn't so alone. But it's a habit that stuck.....and one I'm having a hard time breaking. I can't stand a silent room......period.<br />
<br />
I'm not going completely cold turkey for this challenge. I can't. For the safety of my family and the dog.....I just can't. Plus, let's be honest --- it's Fall Premiere season and I need my "How To Get Away With Murder" and "Once Upon a Time" fix. So for this month, here is what I'm going to try to accomplish:<br />
<br />
1) The TV can stay on the morning. I usually check the news/weather and allow the girls to watch Looney Tunes while they have breakfast. Once the girls leave for school, all TVs gets turned off. I'll be playing music through my laptop. I could use the music channels on the TV, but it's too easy to just flip the channel to catch a show......get sucked in......and then the laundry doesn't get folded because I just need to know if Horatio Caine catches that criminal on the 400th rerun of CSI: Miami.<br />
<br />
3) During lunch -- if I remember to have lunch -- I will be allowed to watch one show from my DVR list, Netflix or Hulu.<br />
<br />
4) When the girls come home, they will be allowed to watch one show while having an after-school snack. Even kids need some downtime before tackling chores and homework! But then the TV gets turned off again.<br />
<br />
5) We've been guilty of eating dinner in front of the TV......either downstairs in the family room on TV tables or even at the kitchen table. Dinners will be moved back to the kitchen table and the TV will be off......even on nights when My Marine has to fly. The only exception to this will be Friday or Saturday nights when we usually have Family TV Night where we either watch a movie or family-friendly show while having pizza or nachos.<br />
<br />
6) Utilize the sleep timer function and auto tune function on my bedroom TV. With auto tune, I can fall asleep watching a movie or show and when it's over, the TV will auto tune into a music channel that I can preset. The TV is still on for me, but it will just be music instead of 2am infomericals. I will also try to set the sleep time so that it will automatically shut off after a certain amount of time. Baby steps people.......baby steps.......give me some credit because this one is probably going to kill me.<br />
<br />
I am curious to see, however, how much more I get done around the house when I don't have the distraction of Facebook and TV sucking my day away. Or how much more focused I will be on my kids and family.<br />
<br />
Have you ever done a TV challenge? How did it work for you? Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-57808563469975393992015-09-24T06:21:00.001-06:002015-09-24T06:22:14.020-06:00Saving & Giving Challenge - The Binge<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
I realized that I haven't posted a check-in update for a couple of days....heck, almost a week. It really wasn't intentional......but maybe subconciously it was.<br />
<br />
This past Friday, I had a binge.....which led to a full blown weekend binge.<br />
<br />
Friday started off as such a good day for me.<br />
<br />
I was excited to get my haircut......to have some "me" time. I stopped at Starbucks on my way and used my gift card to purchase a coveted Pumpkin Spice Latte. I got a great cut, but not some great news that my stylist raised prices by $10. I didn't budget for that, but it was fine and I was happy with my cut, so I paid it and gave him a tip (cash, which was planned).<br />
<br />
On the way home, I stopped by Michael's to return some stuff I found stashed in my garage. No question -- it was going back. It was only a $7 return, but it was $7 back in the bank rather than junk laying around that I'd probably never use and end up giving away anyway. I was so proud of myself for not walking around the store and buying anything. I was proud of myself for even throwing away the 40% off coupon that I got with my return receipt.<br />
<br />
I was doing this. I could avoid the temptation if I really put my mind to it.<br />
<br />
Or so I thought.<br />
<br />
That night, I was supposed to have plans with some friends. A girls' night out. I'd been looking forward to this for DAYS! My Marine has been gone a LOT and I desperately needed to blow off some steam before he left again on Sunday. But the plans changed and my night got cancelled.<br />
<br />
I was disappointed. I was angry. I was hurt. I was irritated and annoyed. I started to feel trapped and even my family started getting on my nerves. So, I grabbed my purse and told My Marine I was heading out for a bit - to get a coffee.<br />
<br />
I headed to Barnes & Noble.....and bought the coffee......and a bunch of books.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
I could have stopped there, but I didn't. My triggers were already in play and it's hard to get those demons back into the box once they're out.<br />
<br />
On Saturday, I binged again.....more books, stuff for the girls, an unplanned stop at the Farmers Market, extra spending at the grocery store by going off the list.<br />
<br />
On Sunday, I binged again when I took the girls BACK to Barnes & Noble after we took My Marine to the airport.<br />
<br />
Sunday night, I sat and looked at the results of my binge and I could justify it by saying that I deserved it because I've been holding down the fort alone for so long....again. Or that my plans changed so that I took the money I would have spent on a night out and spent it anyway. Or that my kids needed something to help them cope with Daddy being gone....again.<br />
<br />
But there was a big difference, this time I knew exactly WHY I did it. I knew every single emotion behind every single purchase. Those emotions were so strong that it drove me to get a fix. It didn't matter that I didn't need any single thing.....I just needed that high. But knowing that awareness and recognizing it is HUGE for me. That was something that had never been there before. I would always push those feelings down and focus on my purchases. Trying to hide them or find space to put them took the place of me confronting WHY I bought all that stuff in the first place.<br />
<br />
I had high expectations for this monthly challenge. I really thought that I could get through the month without a big binge.....but I was wrong. I'm human. I'm an addict in recovery. I'll probably fall off the wagon more times than I'm on it.....but as long as I stay aware and recognize, I'll be one step closer to fewer relapses. <br />
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-50206641520973461852015-09-22T06:27:00.002-06:002015-09-22T06:28:17.508-06:00The Cycle of an Addict<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
In my compulsive spending mind, at times, I think more about how I could spend my money
and what I could spend it on, rather than do the responsible thing like, oh....I
don't know....pay bills.<br />
<br />
It's
always the same story. It's a vicious cycle.<br />
<br />
Each pay period I tell myself that I will be responsible. I
will track what I spend. I will not do any unnecessary shopping - which means
staying out of the craft stores, book stores, clothing stores. <br />
<br />
But inevitably, the temptation or trigger kicks in and the urge grows
so strong that it's literally hard to ignore that deep-seated want. Like this past Friday when I had a "fix"......I knew exactly what triggered it.......I was angry. I was angry and disappointed and hurt and fed up. I felt all those things and told myself that I needed to feel better -- and nothing here in my home was going to do that for me. <br />
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<br />
<br />
Other times it's boredom or avoidance. I drop the kids off at school and don't want to go home and face the mountains of laundry, the dirty dishes in the sink, the dust bunnies holding a HOA meeting in my living room......so let's go kill time shopping. <br />
<br />
And with those thoughts -- the
cycle begins. <br />
<br />
The mad dash to shop -- to buy things that I just don't need - but because I want it. I have to have it, although I don't know why. The euphoria of
finding good deals. Of finding something I really like and instead of buying
just one - I buy one of every basic color. At craft stores I'll buy supplies,
telling myself all the while that it's a project that I'll get to. When in
reality I've got LOTS of projects I'll "get to" sitting in my garage, my laundry
room, on my living room floor.<br />
<br />
But then there's the other side. The downside once the binge
is over. <br />
<br />
The euphoria is gone. The buyer's remorse that sets in. The guilt that eats me up inside. The
negative self-talk that I go through over and over and over. And it's always the
same.<br />
<br />
<em mgbazuxnmnul="true">"You're so stupid. How could you do that again"</em><br />
<br />
<em mgbazuxnmnul="true">"You just
have no self-control."</em><br />
<br />
<em mgbazuxnmnul="true">"You're useless and worthless. If you can't control this,
then no wonder your life is so screwed up."</em><br />
<br />
<em mgbazuxnmnul="true">"You're such a disappointment to
everyone."</em><br />
<br />
And then once I
finish that conversation, I just tell myself that I'll "make it right" by taking
some stuff back. Completing the cycle. At least until it starts all over
again.<br />
<br />
In the midst of
all this, I would try to hide my spending. Trying to stay one step ahead. Trying
to detour my husband from wanting to spend money. I'd get angry when he'd want to spend money on a 6-pack or go to Happy
Hour. I now understand that I was projecting the anger I felt at myself towards him.<br />
<br />
In
Debtors Anonymous<em mgbazuxnmnul="true">,</em> we are taught to immediately
start tracking our spending and to take it one day at a time. In my case, it has
to be one hour at a time......sometimes even a few minutes at a time. We are also encouraged to be held accountable - which
is where this blog and my FB page comes in.<br />
<br />
By writing and sharing, I am holding myself accountable. And
just for today, I will take it one hour at a time.Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-78236310718631038502015-09-21T05:00:00.000-06:002015-09-25T08:48:19.799-06:00"Off-Tober" Rules - Part 1<br />
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<br />
Nine days until I start the<strong><em> "Off-Tober"</em></strong> challenge. You can read my initial post about the challenge <a href="http://thetoyboxyears.blogspot.com/2015/09/spending-less-loving-more-off-tober.html">HERE.</a> The post also lists specifically what I will be working on during the month. But in this post, I will start to share some of the "rules" for the challenge.<br />
<br />
<strong><u>Facebook:</u></strong><br />
This is going to be a tough one for me.....I already know this. I love Facebook. I love keeping up with friends, I love reading funny stuff and sharing funny stuff. We keep in touch with long-distance family through Facebook. But there are days when I check every few minutes....refresh the screen, scroll....scroll.....scroll......and then BAM! The day is gone and I got nothing done. Or I'm checking it on my phone.....at stoplights, while waiting in line, etc. etc. So here are the Facebook rules:<br />
<br />
* Delete Facebook and Facebook Messenger from my phone completely.<br />
* Allow 30 minutes of Facebook in the morning before the kids are up for school and 20 minutes at night AFTER the kids are in bed.<br />
* Cut way back on pages "liked"......delete groups that I don't check in on or participate in regularly......cut back friend list<br />
<br />
<br />
<strong><u>Cell Phone, In General:</u></strong><br />
* In addition to FB, all games will be deleted as well.<br />
* GPS is allowed.<br />
* Before even starting the car, my phone will be put into "driving" mode<br />
* The phone stays in my purse and all phone calls/voice mails/texts will be checked at my destination only. No stoplight checking.<br />
* When I am at activities with my girls, the phone stays in the car<br />
* Use an actual watch! Use a real alarm clock! I can't remember the last time I wore I watch. In fact, I'll probably need to go buy a battery, it's been that long.<br />
* During dinnertime, the phone is put in silent mode.<br />
<br />
<br />
<strong><u>Cell Phone Camera:</u></strong><br />
This kind of gets lumped into the "general cell phone" rule, but I feel it requires a little more space to explain. I (and society, in general) use my phone now more than I use the little "battlecam". It's quick, it's convenient and oh, will you look at that....I can immediately share to Facebook or via text. But then I think back to the "olden days" where we actually had to use FILM in the cameras and wait 2-3 days before getting the pictures back and discovering that you were photobombed by that drunk guy at the bar.....completely ruining your group picture. <br />
<br />
But wait! Now.....with digital....you can take picture after picture after picture until you get just the perfect one....approved by all involved! When I got my new phone I discovered that I had over 400+ pictures and videos on my old phone. Multiples of the same thing at the same event.<br />
<br />
So, unless it's a special event.......no photos. No selfies......no pictures of the dog curled up on the couch again.......no "after-the-workout" pictures.......no Starbucks pictures.....<br />
<br />
I do have two exceptions.......as I blog about this month's challenge, if I feel that a photo would enhance my blog for that day, I will allow it. And this month marks our 20th wedding anniversary....so you can bet that I'm going to be taking pictures of our anniversary activities.<br />
<br />
Overall, the goal of this rule is to ENJOY BEING IN THE MOMENT and not try to CREATE A PERFECT MOMENT.<br />
<br />
<br />
So there you have the first couple rules for <strong><em>"Off-Tober".</em></strong> Next post, I'll touch on a couple more!Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-60145704290972679262015-09-20T06:34:00.000-06:002015-09-20T06:35:35.723-06:00Saving & Giving Challenge - Days #16 - #17<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<strong><u>Day #16</u></strong><br />
* Started to purge, declutter and clean up the mess that I've made in our garage. I've put things in there with the well-intended meaning of "I'll get to it later"......and 6 months later, it's still there, but with more stuff around it. Boxes of stuff just waiting to fall over and crush one of my children or my dog to death. I was worried about pulling my Jeep into the garage with the fear of running something over. <br />
<br />
I went through one large blue tub and one black trunk full of stuff I was waiting to sell.......clothes, books, games, stuff I used to teach the girls before they went to school and even when they were in school. All sorted into piles -- things to donate, things to consign or things to give to friends.<br />
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<br />
I honestly felt really good about getting through that stuff. I threw things away without thinking twice. I put things into piles or trash bags and didn't bat an eyelash. I will admit that there were a few things that I felt that twinge and that little voice that said, "Go ahead and hold on to this....you can sell it". But I got over it......<br />
<br />
I liked the feeling of reorganization and how uncluttered it looks.<br />
<br />
<br />
<strong><u>Day #17</u></strong><br />
* Payday today. I went to the grocery store with my list......and I stuck to the list.....sort of. Once I got to the store I realized that I forget to add a few things. Technically they were supposed to be on the list to begin with, so I really didn't count them as "impulse buys". But I DID toss in some ice cream and a box of pumpkin spice oatmeal. Both of those were TRUE impulse buys. (But it was PUMPKIN SPICE OATMEAL for heaven's sake!!!!) Still -- <strong>UNPLANNED - $12.00</strong><br />
<strong></strong><br />
* Sat down with my calendar and checkbook and planned out the next two weeks and the bills that are due. Deducted any upcoming automatic payments and balanced out the checkbook. For the first time in YEARS, both the checkbook and the bank balance were the same.<br />
<br />
* Another first for me......I ended a pay period in the black......not by much....but it was in black. No overdrafts.....no extra spending. Major high fives for me!<br />
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* Remember all the decluttering and purging I did yesterday? Well, I did some driving around today dropping stuff off at Goodwill and passing some things on to some friends. Also made arrangements with some other friends for some of this other stuff too. Feels so good to get rid of this stuff!<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBPYfkq3BQLhyGmRG5UkjcLOVZgZoz_2w7sGVxT28MpwH2x_viB_9fP0RHGiVXQ0krn6CexW0xm-Csm7wL8iSUnmY18EnMVpl42FY2Ucz_tSDIAHmoWTyB3S8g9TVFZ9T0Ecz1Ha3bDvw/s1600/today.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBPYfkq3BQLhyGmRG5UkjcLOVZgZoz_2w7sGVxT28MpwH2x_viB_9fP0RHGiVXQ0krn6CexW0xm-Csm7wL8iSUnmY18EnMVpl42FY2Ucz_tSDIAHmoWTyB3S8g9TVFZ9T0Ecz1Ha3bDvw/s320/today.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Stuff this morning before I loaded it up in my Jeep<br />
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-25607070656110536712015-09-17T05:00:00.000-06:002015-09-17T05:00:05.024-06:00Spending Less, Loving More - The "Off-Tober" Challenge<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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During September, I started a challege where I'm focusing on spending less, saving more, and decluttering. While the month isn't over yet and the challenge will still be ongoing even when the month is over, one thing that stuck with me the most was this -- what good is all the decluttering and discovering a more authentic, simple life if I can't enjoy it with my family because we all have our noses buried deep into technology.<br />
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I'm guilty of it -- big time. Missing moments with my kids in the car because I'm checking my phone at stoplights. Sending my kids to bed with movies on their DVD players because I have to watch one more episode on Netflix, or I have to check Facebook one last time. Or I look at the books all around my house.....unread because I'm too busy checking my DVR list. Or I'm missing the truly authentic moment because I'm too busy trying to get the perfect picture to post on Facebook. Or I missed my daughters perfect their pirouette or backbend because I was too busy texting or scrolling through Facebook.<br />
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I recently got a new phone. The first thing I installed? Facebook. My priorities are truly fucked up (pardon the language).......and I'm going to tackle that during October's challenge.....which I have called <strong><em>"Off-Tober"</em></strong><br />
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During this challenge I will cut back, if not cut out altogether, Facebook, email, phone use (including texting, games, using apps, etc.) and TV. Please understand that the rules that I list for the challenge are MY rules - rules that will work for ME and MY FAMILY. They may not work for you.....you may run a business and need constant access to technology......and THAT'S OK! Do what you need to do for YOU and YOUR FAMILY. This isn't a cookie cutter challenge......do what works for YOU!<br />
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Over the next few weeks, before the challenge starts, I will go into more specific details for each thing -- what's allowed, what's not allowed, etc. But to give you an idea, here's the list of the things I will be giving up/cutting back on:<br />
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1) Facebook<br />
2) Cell Phone in general<br />
3) Email<br />
4) Texting<br />
5) Television (including Netflix, Hulu, DVR, On Demand)<br />
6) Kindle<br />
7) Computer time in general (blogging, volunteer responsibilities, etc)<br />
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I'm really looking forward to seeing where this challenge will take me and how it will test me.<br /><br />How about you? Have you done a No Technology Challenge or Media Fast? How did it work for you? Are you interested in joining me during <strong><u><em>"Off-Tober"</em></u></strong>?<br />
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-87439402005858671382015-09-16T07:19:00.000-06:002015-09-16T07:20:14.184-06:00Saving & Giving Challenge - Days #13 - #15<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<strong><u>Day #13</u></strong><br />
* Checked the bank balance today to discover another deposit for My Marine's extra pay. Put that directly into savings. I was very happy to see that account getting built back up again.<br />
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* Very unhappy that I missed an autoship payment for my Shakeology. I totally forgot that I even had that set up to autoship and deduct from my account. Contacted them right away to cancel any future shipments/payments. I'll keep the bag that's already been shipped. Between that one and the one I already have, it will last me until after the holidays. (<strong>UNPLANNED - $150)</strong><br />
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* For the first time in MONTHS, my account has been in the black. I'm very, very proud of that.<br />
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* Payday is this week again. I started my grocery shopping list again, as well as some menu planning. I know there are still ways for me to cut back the grocery bill a little more.<br />
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<strong><u>Day #14</u></strong><br />
* Took my trash bags full of clothes to be donated. It felt so good to get the clutter out of my garage AND to know that they are going to a worthy cause. <br />
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Now with those bags gone, I have room to start going through the other half of the garage. I told myself that if I clear out the garage, then I can bring my fall decoration boxes down from the attic.<br />
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* Over the weekend, my friend shared with me a blog written by a recovering spender. She had written a book about her journey to get out of debt and control her family's spending. I looked it up with the intention of saving it on my Wish List for later......but discovered that I can borrow it <strong>FOR FREE</strong> with my Amazon Prime membership. I think I'm meant to read this book now.<br />
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* I made an appointment for a haircut. I had to do it. My hair is out of control. I was hoping to make it until October, but it just wasn't going to happen. Upside - I'm just getting the cut.....no color.<br />
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It's slow going......but I'm good with that!<br />
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Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-70725702208563440162015-09-13T06:55:00.001-06:002015-09-13T06:55:32.043-06:00Saving & Giving Challenge - Days #7 - #12<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I continue to move forward. <br />
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Some days I think that I'm just not accomplishing anything....but then there are the days where all I want to do is high five myself for completing a challenge -- whether purging or money/bill related.<br />
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Here's some high and low points from Days #7-#12<br />
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* Still on the original tank of gas from when I filled up on payday. No extra shopping trips = more gas in the tank (and less I'll have to fill up next payday)<br />
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*Cleaned out my closet and got almost EIGHT bags of clothes, shoes and other items ready to drop off for a women's & children's shelter. Felt so good to unload all that stuff!<br />
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* Did my weekly shopping for perishables and fresh produce. Stuck to the list.....sort of. I ended up buying some ice cream for the girls. They've been bugging me for DAYS to go to Cold Stone.....and each time I say no because "Mommy's not spending any extra money". But I got tired of the nagging and figured that I could take what I'd spend on Cold Stone and buy a 1/2 gallon of ice cream that might last a little longer. <strong>($3.99 UNPLANNED)</strong><br />
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* I met a friend for coffee this morning at Barnes and Noble. I know, I know....the temptation. BUT....I didn't buy anything -- not coffee, not a book. I took my breakfast shake with me and had my water bottle in my bag. THEN....on the way out, I spotted two books I would have loved to buy, but instead....I took pictures of them on my phone to save for another time.....like my birthday or Christmas.<br />
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* The workout tank tops that I ordered before the challenge started arrived. One, I noticed, was poorly made. I emailed the manufacturer about it, but immediately started browing the internet to look for another one to buy to replace this one. I didn't think....I just started doing it. And then I stopped and thought how easy it was.....that immediate need.....the gratification of getting what I want right then and there. Stopped what I was doing and added that potential purchase to the green post it note.<br />
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* I had to buy a new bath mat for the tub. This was a definite <strong>NEED.</strong> It was either spend $12 on a bath mat or hundreds of dollars in medical bills because either myself or someone in my family was going to slip and have a major head injury.<br />
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* I had some more unplanned spending. I went to King Soopers to buy more ice cream for the kids and saw that Starbucks has Cinnamon Dolce Kcups. Cinnamon Dolce is my favorite coffee behind pumpkin spice......so I picked up a box. Then I took the kids to Sonic for lunch today. And here's the thing -- there was nothing behind it. I wasn't shopping out of anger or boredom or anxiety. I was hungry and wanted lunch. I like the coffee, so I boug<span class="text_exposed_show">ht it. And you know what.....I'm ok with this. It's ok for little treats every once in awhile. I bought lunch and some coffee......I didn't go on a full blown shopping spree for clothes I'll never wear or books I'll never read. I bought ice cream & lunch for my girls and saw the smile on their faces. I'll cherish the sanity I feel when I drink that coffee in the mornings before the kids wake up. And it's ok.......<strong>($30 UNPLANNED)</strong></span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show"></span><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show"></span>* We went out to dinner during My Marine's drill weekend. He came home after a long day and decided he didn't want pizza (our normal Saturday night meal), so he suggested we go to a local sandwich shop that just opened. <strong>($30 UNPLANNED)</strong><br />
<br />* We bought a new phone for me. I would call it a <strong>WANT</strong>, but My Marine would call it a <strong>NEED</strong>. It was on it's last legs for sure and doesn't hold a charge for more than an hour. I wanted to wait another 9 months until his was paid off, but he insisted we get this phone now. Paid $57 yesterday for all the administrative fees, but tacked on another $30 to our cell phone bill each month. <strong>($57 UNPLANNED + extra $30 EACH MONTH)</strong><br />
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<br />I can say, that so far, my eyes are definitely open a little more to how I shop and why. I still feel a little guilty over those unplanned spendings over the past few days, but I'm learning to be OK with it. That sometimes it's ok to have a little splurge every once in awhile......in fact, it's necessary. But I'm also learning to recognize the difference between a splurge and a binge. I'm also learning that I can manage this, recognize when a binge is about to happen, and take steps to make sure that it doesn't. <br /><br />My journey will never be over......but I can sure make it a lot more manageable.Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-79840563217285289302015-09-11T08:57:00.000-06:002015-09-11T09:02:33.856-06:00Spending & Giving Challenge - The Great Closet Cleanse<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Finally -- after 10 days, I finally did it. I got into my bedroom and began The Great Closet Cleanse.<br />
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The chapters in Jen Hatmaker's book, "Seven" about clothes and spending really hit me hard. I looked into my closet and saw sweatshirts and jeans falling off the top shelf. Hangars crammed into what little space I had. Shoes and boots just laying on the floor because I had no place to put them. And let's not talk about the dresser drawers I couldn't shut. The laundry basket of clothes I couldn't put away because I had no place for them either.<br />
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I had to stop the madness. The clutter was killing me.<br />
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So, I finally did it. I gathered up large trash bag and laundry baskets. Anything I was going to keep would go into the laundry baskets - to be rehung and refolded when I was done. Anything I was going to give away would go into the trash bags......no questions, no debating, no second-guessing myself. Into the bag. The end. I found these guidelines which I used........<br />
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I opted to start in the closet because I had the feeling this was going to be the hardest spot for me. Surprisingly, it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be......but it was extremely eye-opening.<br />
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* I had clothes that I bought years ago...that still had tags on them. Never worn. I remember buying them because they were on sale. Into the trash bag they went. No debate.<br />
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* I had over 20 pairs of jeans. TWENTY! In various sizes. I even had a pair of maternity jeans that I loved and wore when I was at my highest weight because they were "cute and hip". I also haven't been that size again in two years. Into the bag they went.....along with about half of the other jeans I had.<br />
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* I discovered that whenever there was a sale on something I liked, I would buy multiples of that item....sometimes in different colors. But here's the thing.......very rarely do I wear colors. My clothing color palette tends to run towards black, grey, navy.....neutral colors. Why in the hell did I have a closet (and drawers) full of pink, yellow, green shirts.....most of the them still had tags on them. Into the trash bag.<br />
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* Sweaters.....I very rarely wear sweaters. I'm a sweatshirt, long t-shirt, occasional button-down shirt kind of girl. I picked a few that I would still wear and tossed the rest into the trash bag.<br />
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* Sweatshirts.....this was a little harder. Sweatshirts are my wearable scrapbooks. Every sweatshirt I had has meaning for me. But there were a few that I let go.....the USMC hoodie with a broken zipper, the Pittsburgh sweatshirt with the perpetual coffee stain. But where I was stunned the most was the sweatshirts that had no meaning -- the Old Navy, solid color sweatshirts. I had close to 10 of those.....because I knew they were comfy and once again, I bought multiples. FIVE black sweatshirts -- they were all the same. I kept one. Same with the grey and navy sweatshirts.<br />
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As the day went on I purged t-shirts (again multiple numbers, multiple colors), pajamas (flannel pj bottoms are my staple in the fall/winter), work clothes (I haven't worked in 10 years and haven't worn a dress in probably just as long). Old bras, ratty underwear, socks.......GONE<br />
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It went on and I felt more and more guilty. All those trash bags FULL of wasted money. FULL of results of shopping trips because I was bored, angry, sad. Clothes I never wore or wore once and let it hang with the thought, "Well someday......."<br />
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Someday will never come for these clothes......at least not for me.<br />
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When all was said and done, I had a clean, uncluttered closet and drawers. I felt good.....no regrets.<br />
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At the end of the day, I had SIX FULL trash bags waiting to go to a women's shelter. <br />
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I am being very specific about where I want these clothes to go. I don't want them to go to Goodwill or ARC. I want them to go to a place where a woman trying to start over can pick out my work suit and possibly go on her first interview in years. I want them to go to a woman who can put on those flannel pj pants and Old Navy sweatshirt and snuggle with her kids to read a story.<br />
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I want to know that some good can come from my addiction and that, in some small way, I made a difference.<br />
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<br />Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-9384644323087172692015-09-10T06:50:00.001-06:002015-09-10T06:51:30.280-06:00Saving & Giving Challenge - Days #5 & #6<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<strong><u>Day #5</u></strong><br />
*I'm starting to feel that maybe being so open about my <strike>struggle</strike> addiction is really not such a good idea. I'm feeling like I'm under a microscope. I'm feeling judged. I'm feeling like I'll be criticized for every purchase I make....."Oh, well she's trying to save money and get out of debt, but look what she just bought". I feel like I'm under a microscope.....but it's a microscope I put myself under willingly. I chose to bring my story to the light. But now it's a choice I may be regretting. I can't put the crap back in the horse. It's out there now. A big steamy pile that everyone can see and smell.....and turn their nose up at......and shake their heads at me thinking "what have you done". I worry about what people will think of me, that I will lose friends, that I'll be lectured. I spent a good part of the day in turmoil over this.<br />
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*Normally, after gymnastics and ballet we would go to the Farmer's Market, which is at Southlands. Since I did my produce shopping at Sprouts this week AND there was the big sidewalk sale going on this weekend, I just avoided the temptation and we just didn't go at all. <br />
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*Earlier this week, a friend had mentioned she had a friend coming into town and that we should go out. I immediately jumped in and said YES....and to let me know when so I can get a sitter. As I was laying in bed tonight, it hit me.....I can't go out. That would require spending money -- on a sitter, on drinks, maybe on food. SHIT! I took a breath, texted my friend and told her that I can't go out with her and her friend. She responded that she totally understood. I really do have some great, supportive friends.<br />
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*I got no purging done at all today. Actually, I take that back.....I purged a few things from my DVR.....and by "purged", I meant seeing unproductively on my couch blowing through my DVR'd episodes of Ink Master.<br />
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<strong><u>Day #6</u></strong><br />
*Ups and downs. This journey is just full of ups and downs.<br />
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*I went to the bank to withdraw cash for the girls. <strong>(PLANNED)</strong> When it's our payday, it's payday for the girls and their allowance too. If there's one thing I'm fanatical about with them -- it's teaching them good money habits now. I don't want them to be me in 30 years.....starting their own blog or having their own Facebook page, writing about their struggles with debt. So we do the "Save, Spend, and Share" jars with them and they divide their allowance by threes. <em>(I'll write more about this a little later)</em><br />
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*As I was on Facebook throughout the day, I would remove pages that would be a temptation to me.....Groupon, Amazon, Michaels, JoAnns, ARC Thrift Store, Goodwill. If I thought any page would tempt me to click and spend, it was gone.<br />
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*Another friend suggested I give myself an "allowance" to spend. I will consider that once this challenge is over.....but for this month, it's cold turkey. No extra spending - period. I chose to challenge myself this way. I started a green post-it note....this is where I write down everytime I wanted to spend money. I write down what I wanted to buy and how much it was. By the end of the month, I'll have an estimated amount of how much unnecessary spending I truly do.......and I can't do this project if I give myself an allowance.Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4280913847848128325.post-58640816432972170972015-09-05T08:17:00.000-06:002015-09-06T08:19:12.355-06:00Saving & Giving Challenge - Days #3 and #4<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-G_D5EcM_6KU/VeG8FyYAt6I/AAAAAAAAKDE/-jks1SivrwA/s1600/September%2BChallenge.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="113" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-G_D5EcM_6KU/VeG8FyYAt6I/AAAAAAAAKDE/-jks1SivrwA/s400/September%2BChallenge.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<strong><u>Day #3:</u></strong><br />
Today, the real challenge begins for me. It's pay day AND I have to go grocery shopping. Those first two days were freebies.....but the real work begins today. Last night I sat and planned some menus and made my list. I felt like I was taking a test and the clock was ticking down until the buzzer sounded........BUZZZZZZZZ!!! Time's up, pencils down.....your list is complete. If it's not on the list, you can't have it.<br />
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And guess what......I did it! I stuck to the list!<br />
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Another goal of mine this month is to track our grocery budget for the month. I usually go grocery shopping every pay day (twice a month), and spend about the same amount each time.....so I KNOW there's room to cut back!<br />
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A couple of other accomplishments today:<br />
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*I also stopped and filled up the gas tank -- which was a planned spend. I also need to look at my calendar and figure out how to combine days to run errands, etc. BUT....if I'm not spending, then guess what....I'm not driving....which means saving money in gas! I'm tracking to see how long it will be before I have to fill up again.<br />
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*I turned off all the notifications for all the FB garage sale sites that I'm a member of. I used them mostly for selling, but occasionally would buy something off there. No sense in tempting myself, so off they go!<br />
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*I posted on my page that I ask all those friends who have businesses to please NOT add me to any special sale groups or send me any invitations to their online parties.<br />
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Overall, I felt good about Day #3! That sticking to the list thing was HUGE for me!<br />
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<strong><u>Day #4</u></strong><br />
A lot happened today to test and challenge me.......<br />
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But first, I want to know who's bright idea was it to start a No Spend Challenge right as one of the biggest sales since Black Friday is getting started this weekend at my favorite shopping center??????? <em>::sitting in a corner rocking back & forth::</em><br />
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Oh yeah.....that would be me......<br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kLeF7QxhTvs/VerwU4bvKXI/AAAAAAAAKGU/PqLY7lBYvEg/s1600/southlands1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-kLeF7QxhTvs/VerwU4bvKXI/AAAAAAAAKGU/PqLY7lBYvEg/s320/southlands1.jpg" width="245" /></a></div>
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I post this on my <a href="https://www.facebook.com/#!/spendinglesslovingmore" target="_blank">Spending Less, Loving More FB page</a> and I actually got a response back from Southlands (or whoever the Great Oz is behind the screen responding for them)<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mxwOwg4OAp4/Verw2P88f-I/AAAAAAAAKGs/z2gYf7NdQpI/s1600/Southlands.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="58" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-mxwOwg4OAp4/Verw2P88f-I/AAAAAAAAKGs/z2gYf7NdQpI/s400/Southlands.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.0.$end/=1$text0/=010">Wow.....I was truly surprised that I got a response from Southlands at all......but seriously? Granted, The Great Oz running their page may not have taken the time to fully visit my page to know that I struggle with compulsive spending. BUT.....they </span></span><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0.$end/=1$text0/=010">did see that I was doing a NO SPEND CHALLENGE. Why on earth would you even try to discourage that? I feel like they just patted me on the head....saying, oh how cute....good for you....but we hope you'll still come and visit anyway. Kind of like saying to an alcoholic.....oh, we know you struggle with sobriety, but come hit the bar during Happy Hour anyway! <br /><br />But I will stay strong and avoid the whole place this weekend, in spite of Southlands' pleasant invitation.<br /><br />So moving on......</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0.$end/=1$text0/=010"></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0.$end/=1$text0/=010">*I had friends over for the evening and didn't go overboard. I used what I had in my home and everybody brought something to share.<br /><br />*I texted a friend to tell her that I couldn't buy the top that she was selling on one of the garage sale sites. I told her I was interested before the challenge -- and I really love that top -- but I just couldn't do it. I told her about the challenge and she was totally cool with it.<br /><br />*I almost blew it by buying a song on Amazon to download to my iPod. I was THIS close to clicking on that "buy" button. And then it hit me......$1.29 is still spending. And it adds up people. I was so amazed at the clarity that I had.....and how easy it was to just "click buy" and not think. But this time I did think.....and I'll wait......even though I wanted that damn song so badly. <em>::insert more rocking::</em></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0.$end/=1$text0/=010"><em></em></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0.$end/=1$text0/=010"></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0.$end/=1$text0/=010">Damn......this shit is HARD!!!!</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0.$end/=1$text0/=010"></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0.$end/=1$text0/=010">*Was totally blessed today when a good friend brought me my first pumpkin spice latte of the season......before they're even out to the general public! I was holding out because I'd have to use what precious balance was left on my Starbucks card.....so I was being very strategic about using it. But the heaven's opened and my friend totally made my day!</span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0.$end/=1$text0/=010"></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody _1n4g" data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0"><span data-reactid=".a3.1:4:1:$comment857030491059917_857103291052637/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.1.$comment-body.0.3.0.$end/=1$text0/=010">Not a bad way to end the week, don't you think?</span></span></span></span></span>Jenniferhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05584963266765648468noreply@blogger.com0