Spending Less, Loving More - The Cycle

In my compulsive spending mind, I think more about how I could spend my money and what I could spend it on, rather than do the responsible thing like, oh....I don't know....pay bills.

It's always the same story.  It's a vicious cycle.

Each pay period I tell myself that I will be responsible. I will track what I spend. I will not do any unnecessary shopping - which means staying out of the craft stores, book stores, clothing stores. Basically anywhere which requires me to pull out cash or my debit card. (I no longer have any credit cards - period.) But the debit card is just as bad. It's like using a credit card, but it's only using the cash you have on hand -- which is usually already earmarked for responsible things -- car payment, insurance, mortgage, etc.

But inevitably, the temptation kicks in and the urge grows so strong that it's literally hard to ignore that deep-seated need. And then the cycle begins. The mad dash to shop -- to buy things that I just don't need - all because I want it. I have to have it, although I don't know why. The euphoria of finding good deals. Of finding something I really like and instead of buying just one - I buy one of every basic color. At craft stores I'll buy supplies, telling myself all the while that it's a project that I'll get to. When in reality I've got LOTS of projects I'll "get to" sitting in my garage, my laundry room, on my living room floor.

But then there's the other side. The downside once the binge is over. The buyer's remorse that sets in. The guilt that eats me up inside. The negative self-talk that I go through over and over and over. And it's always the same.

"You're so stupid. How could you do that again"

"You just have no self-control."

"You're useless and worthless. If you can't control this, then no wonder your life is so screwed up."

"You're such a disappointment to everyone."

And then once I finish that conversation, I just tell myself that I'll "make it right" by taking some stuff back. Completing the cycle. At least until it starts all over again.

So we have -- the urge, the act, the euphoria, the remorse, the guilt, the self-hatred, the return (act of contrition).

In the midst of all this, I would try to hide my spending. Trying to stay one step ahead. Trying to detour my husband from wanting to spend money -- usually on stuff for the house. I'd get angry when he'd want to spend money on a 6-pack or go to Happy Hour. I recognize that as displaced anger. Anger towards him, when I'm internally angry with myself.

In Debtors Anonymous, we are taught to immediately start tracking our spending and to take it one day at a time. In my case, it has to be one hour at a time. We are also encouraged to be held accountable - which is where this blog and FB page comes in.

By writing and sharing, I am holding myself accountable. And just for today, I will take it one hour at a time.

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My Words or God's Words?

Just a reminder that there's just one day left for my Giveaway!  

Less than 10 entries! Come by for a chance to win!

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So some of you who have been following me for awhile have known that I struggle with my faith.  It's only just within the past two years or so that I've really become more consciously aware and have this need to search for more -- to truly love and have faith and believe.  This post may be a bit disjointed, bouncing from thought to thought, not really making much sense - but it's just my way of working through things, so please bear with me.

I've had many experiences of God's blessings -- for which I was thankful for every single one.  So then why do I still doubt?  Why do I still have trouble believing?

Last week was a hard time for me.  I had a string of bad days where I just wanted to curl into a ball and withdraw from life.  I just felt so low and so depressed.  Which scared me.

I finally just reached my breaking point.  I had a huge almost-three-day crying jag - which felt both therapeutic and cleansing and exhausting afterwards.  I literally hit my knees and cried to God that I just can't take any more.  I can't deal with everything on my own.  One night I soaked in a hot bath -- as hot as I could stand it and just closed my eyes and prayed.  I literally saw myself being embraced by Him.  I heard words - "Trust me". 

But then I doubted.  Where those my words?  Words that I was just saying in my subsconscious to make myself feel better?  Or was I truly hearing/feeling God?  Is it me trying to control things again -- even my own internal dialogue?  Or was God truly comforting me when I needed it the most?

Not only did I hear that message, I continued to have these "feelings" over the next few days.  I'd hear "calm yourself", "trust me".  I was surrounded by a strong group of friends and prayer warriors who reached out to pray for me during those few days of darkness.

But amazingly though -- I started to feel better.  The fog started to lift just a little. 

On Saturday we took the girls for another drive.  It was a beautiful day, clear skies, sun shining.  As I gazed out the window of the car as we drove, I just soaked in the beautiful scenery of the mountains.  And I heard it again -- "see what I've created?" 

I heard words of reassurance in songs that I would listen to.  I would read Facebook posts with words that would just speak to what I've been feeling at that moment.  I would have Bible verses just pop into my day at just the right moment.

I'm trying hard to trust and believe that all of it was those "forehead pokes" from God.  Letting me know that He is there, that He does care.

I'm reading a book right now by Sheila Walsh - Beautiful Things Happen When A Woman Trusts God.  If you haven't read this book, I highly recommend that you do.  I've seen Sheila speak at two Women of Faith conferences and she is by far one of my favorite speakers.  There is just something about her life story that everyone can relate to.  And as I started reading her book, I'm beginning to realize that she is the woman she is today because of her past, because of her doubts.  Her story is my story.  Her doubts and issues with trusting God are my issues too.

Anyway - I digress.  

I guess the whole point of this rambling, disjoined post was to just get it out there - how do I know if the silent voice I hear is God's voice or my own.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

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