>> Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Dear Summer -
It's September and Monday is Labor Day......which traditionally marks the end of summer. And do know what that means? The imminent arrival of Pumpkin Spice Latte Season and your quick departure. Stop hanging on......you've overstayed your welcome.
While I have had some fond memories of you, there is more that I will not miss.....at all. So I give you my list of things I hate about you.....
Scorching High Temperatures
Unless I'm living in the middle of the Sahara desert or have recently relocated to the gates of Hell, there really is no need for multiple days of 90/100 degree temperatures. I just LOVE feeling my face melt off as I take that short walk down the driveway to my mailbox.
And forget going to a hot yoga class. I can just walk into my garage to look for a box of rice. 20 seconds in there and I've dropped 5 pounds.
The heat just sucks the life and motivation out of me. I have no desire to do anything.....cook, clean, wear clothes......which leads to.......
My fellow well-endowed sisters know.....and you understand. Most people, when summer starts, stock up on sunscreen while my large-breasted sisters and I are stocking up on baby powder, extra deoderant and Neosporin. The struggle is real my friends.
Why is it that stubble looks so sexy on a man, but the minute one stray little hair shows up on my legs, armpits and nether regions, I'm considered unclean and untouchable?
So, I go through the shaving ritual every 2-3 days....covering every visible area with shaving cream, contorting myself into positions that My Marine only wishes I would use behind closed doors and then praying to God that I don't knick a major artery and bleed out right there in the bathroom.
And I have three words for you.......bikini line stubble. (And all the girls said Amen!) Screw it. September 1st -- I'm done and the razors get packed away until Memorial Day.
Other things I hate about you, Summer:
Bikini Bodies, Tank Top Back Fat/Arm Flab, Flat Stomachs:
There is nothing like the arrival of the summer months that will make a woman hate her body more. We're already self-conscious about all the things that make our bodies "special", but let's add days where we have to wear less clothing that does nothing but amplify those "special qualities". Screw that.....bring back fall where I can cover myself from head to toe in oversized sweatshirts and "distressed" jeans. If Old Navy made a burqa, I'd buy it.
Memorial Day is also known as the day that all the nasty bugs of summer gather and plan their attack for summer. Bees, wasps, yellow jackets........swarms of ants that decide to hold a family reunion in my driveway. Flies so big that you can hear the swooshing sound of their wings as they circle round and round your plate of watermelon. Then they tease you by flying so slow that you think you have a chance of swatting them......only to speed up again. I swear I hear them saying "Nice try ya bastard!" as they fly off with my dog. And let's not even talk about mosquitoes...... I'm convinced those bastards are just doing recon for the coming Zombie Apocolypse.
And so summer.....I bid you a fond farewell......and we will revisit this list again next year! Now GET.....OUT!!!