>> Thursday, September 24, 2015
I realized that I haven't posted a check-in update for a couple of days....heck, almost a week. It really wasn't intentional......but maybe subconciously it was.
This past Friday, I had a binge.....which led to a full blown weekend binge.
Friday started off as such a good day for me.
I was excited to get my haircut......to have some "me" time. I stopped at Starbucks on my way and used my gift card to purchase a coveted Pumpkin Spice Latte. I got a great cut, but not some great news that my stylist raised prices by $10. I didn't budget for that, but it was fine and I was happy with my cut, so I paid it and gave him a tip (cash, which was planned).
On the way home, I stopped by Michael's to return some stuff I found stashed in my garage. No question -- it was going back. It was only a $7 return, but it was $7 back in the bank rather than junk laying around that I'd probably never use and end up giving away anyway. I was so proud of myself for not walking around the store and buying anything. I was proud of myself for even throwing away the 40% off coupon that I got with my return receipt.
I was doing this. I could avoid the temptation if I really put my mind to it.
Or so I thought.
That night, I was supposed to have plans with some friends. A girls' night out. I'd been looking forward to this for DAYS! My Marine has been gone a LOT and I desperately needed to blow off some steam before he left again on Sunday. But the plans changed and my night got cancelled.
I was disappointed. I was angry. I was hurt. I was irritated and annoyed. I started to feel trapped and even my family started getting on my nerves. So, I grabbed my purse and told My Marine I was heading out for a bit - to get a coffee.
I headed to Barnes & Noble.....and bought the coffee......and a bunch of books.
I could have stopped there, but I didn't. My triggers were already in play and it's hard to get those demons back into the box once they're out.
On Saturday, I binged again.....more books, stuff for the girls, an unplanned stop at the Farmers Market, extra spending at the grocery store by going off the list.
On Sunday, I binged again when I took the girls BACK to Barnes & Noble after we took My Marine to the airport.
Sunday night, I sat and looked at the results of my binge and I could justify it by saying that I deserved it because I've been holding down the fort alone for so long....again. Or that my plans changed so that I took the money I would have spent on a night out and spent it anyway. Or that my kids needed something to help them cope with Daddy being gone....again.
But there was a big difference, this time I knew exactly WHY I did it. I knew every single emotion behind every single purchase. Those emotions were so strong that it drove me to get a fix. It didn't matter that I didn't need any single thing.....I just needed that high. But knowing that awareness and recognizing it is HUGE for me. That was something that had never been there before. I would always push those feelings down and focus on my purchases. Trying to hide them or find space to put them took the place of me confronting WHY I bought all that stuff in the first place.
I had high expectations for this monthly challenge. I really thought that I could get through the month without a big binge.....but I was wrong. I'm human. I'm an addict in recovery. I'll probably fall off the wagon more times than I'm on it.....but as long as I stay aware and recognize, I'll be one step closer to fewer relapses.