Diary of a Brain Tumor - Bitter or Blessed

>> Wednesday, June 22, 2016

I apologize for not writing for awhile......again.

When I started writing again, I was writing about the week that we were dealing with Nani's brain surgery.  I was just getting into the swing of writing about it, when the fucking truck that hit us out of nowhere threw it into reverse, backed up, and hit us again going the other way.

Brain cancer.

My Nani has brain cancer.

June 3, 2016 was D-Day for us -- Diagnosis Day.

The rest of that Friday, what was left, was a carousel of emotions.  I'd go from peaceful calm to wanting to break something....anything.  I watched Nani ride her bike on the street after we got home and I was numb.  This could NOT be happening.....LOOK at her for God's sake!  To look at her, you'd never know she just had her skull cut open 5 days prior.  HOW can this be happening???

That night and over that weekend, I was angry and bitter.

We get the diagnosis and the very next morning, My Marine leaves for his 2-week Annual Training, and I'm left holding the pieces.  Nani was scared and cried a lot.  She had anxiety-induced nausea and vomiting.  Nudgie cried because she was scared that her sister was sick.  And I cried because I'm by myself, having to hold them both while they cried......feeling myself getting angrier and angrier.

That night, I sat and was looking through Facebook.  Reading everyone's messages of support, love and prayers was helpful......but I still felt bitter.

Bitter because, while they said they were praying for us and for Nani, they still get to hold their normal, healthy children......they still were posting pictures of their happy summer vacations......their kids swimming, riding their bikes....happy, smiling, kids without brain cancer.  Nani was supposed to have the same summer.  We were supposed to go to Texas this summer.  Now our summer vacation is filled with road trips to the hospital......chemo treatments.....radiation treatments.....MRIs.

My heart hardened even more.

I went through my newsfeed and shut off all my notifications.  If I saw one more happy, smiling summer picture I was going to throw my laptop across the room.

That night I sat in my bathtub....in scalding hot water.....and God and I had a chat.  It was mostly one-sided because I poured it all out.  I asked God over and over why this was happening to my Nani.....she doesn't deserve this.  She's a good girl.....smart, kind, beautiful, talented.  I asked God why didn't He answer our prayers.....that the tumor NOT be cancer.  I asked God if He heard Nani crying.....if He heard Nudgie crying.....if He heard ME crying.....my mother's heart shattered into a million sharp and cutting shards.

I was done.  I wanted nothing to do with Him.  But God wasn't done with me OR with my family.

I did not want to go to church the next morning, but I went for Nani.  She wanted to go.  I sat in the back and told God, "Ok, I'm here.....but this is all You get."  I stood with my arms crossed while the Worship Team sang about God's goodness.  I thought, "Really God?  Goodness?  What is so good about giving an 11-year old brain cancer?"  The anger and bitterness swelling inside me....and I almost walked out.

Until Joel, our Worship pastor, started talking.  I don't remember much of what he said, but I remember that it tied in so much with what I was feeling the night before....coming to the end of my rope, does God hear me.  I have to sit down.......the floodgates just opened and I'm openly crying in church....ugly cry.....trying to hard not to sob out loud. Then he starts singing "O Come to the Altar".....I put my head on my knees and just let it all out.

He heard me.  He heard my cries.  He heard Nani and Nudgie's cries.

The bitterness and anger started to melt away.  The darkness was chased away by the Light.  I knew, at that moment, that God had my Nani in the palm of His hand.  That we will never be alone through this journey.

I will still have days of anger and sadness and fear and frustration and disappointment.  But instead of allowing the bitterness to take hold, I will remember how blessed I am to have a mighty God in my corner and an army of angels surrounding us.

He heard me.......and He answered.


Unknown June 22, 2016 at 12:31 PM  

I put her and all of you on our prayer chain. Praying for strength, peace and wisdom for this journey.

Tracee June 22, 2016 at 2:38 PM  

Thank you for sharing your heart Jen. <3

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