Deployment In Our Future....Here We Go Again!

This past week, I've been in a whirlwind of emotions. I've totally shut down. I wasn't ready to share this. I wanted to take my girls and withdraw from the world. Putting myself in my own little cocoon -- wanting the reality to go away.

I should be used to this, I tell myself.

I should know better than to get upset over something that may or may not happen just yet, I tell myself.

I knew it was coming....but not this soon.

Yes - the "D" word -- deployment.

I recently found out that there is a deployment looming in our future - in May.

My Marine has drill this weekend. And this weekend, the next year of our lives is held in the balance. The next year of our lives is in the hands of a group of commanding officers and NCOs. I feel like a puppet on a string -- and I'm angry.

I'm angry and sad.

I knew this was coming -- but I was preparing for much later in the year. Not so soon. Not so fast. And the person that I am, my mind goes into immediate overdrive as I mentally start to prepare. All the things that I have to do.

I know I can do this. I did it before -- for 18 months. This time is different. I now have two babies - one who is now old enough to understand that daddy will be going away for a long time.

I'm sad.

I realized this morning that this might be our last Christmas together as a family for a whole year. I thought about how much My Marine will miss -- again. Nani's first day of kindergarten, her 6th birthday, Nudge's 2nd birthday, ballet recitals, picnics....and so much more.

I thought about another 12 months of dreading the doorbell ringing, of watching the news, holding my breath. Another 12 months of long, lonely weekends, of sleeping alone, of not having a good night's sleep because every creak and groan in the house keeps me awake. Another 12 months of feeling resentful because my friends' husbands are still here -- and mine isn't. Another 12 months of worrying -- will they be there for me if I need them? Another 12 months of wondering....what if? And another 12 months of hiding my tears from my daughters because I need to be strong for them.

By the end of this weekend, we'll know. And all my worrying and crying could be for nothing. But the pit in my stomach is preparing me for the news.

And once again, I'll march on...because there's nothing else that I can do. I'll do it because my girls will depend on me. I'll do it because My Marine will depend on me. I'll start saving boxes and Pringles cans for care packages. I'll start taking lots of pictures and videos.

We'll dust off our Nemo and start our bedtime ritual again. (Before My Marine's first deployment, we bought Nani a stuffed Nemo. Once he left, Nani & I would have a bedtime ritual where we would kiss Nemo goodnight and then Nemo would "swim" all the way to daddy to bring him her kisses. Then he would "swim" all the way back to bring her his kisses when she would wake up in the morning.)

And as always -- we will stand behind him. Supporting him all the way. Loving him all the way. Praying for him all the way.

So, if you're a praying person -- I just ask that over the next day or so, to please say a little prayer that the powers that be make the right decisions and that I have the strength and peace to accept that decision -- knowing that God is putting My Marine where He knows he will be needed the most.