Deployment In Our Future....Here We Go Again!

>> Saturday, December 5, 2009

This past week, I've been in a whirlwind of emotions. I've totally shut down. I wasn't ready to share this. I wanted to take my girls and withdraw from the world. Putting myself in my own little cocoon -- wanting the reality to go away.

I should be used to this, I tell myself.

I should know better than to get upset over something that may or may not happen just yet, I tell myself.

I knew it was coming....but not this soon.

Yes - the "D" word -- deployment.

I recently found out that there is a deployment looming in our future - in May.

My Marine has drill this weekend. And this weekend, the next year of our lives is held in the balance. The next year of our lives is in the hands of a group of commanding officers and NCOs. I feel like a puppet on a string -- and I'm angry.

I'm angry and sad.

I knew this was coming -- but I was preparing for much later in the year. Not so soon. Not so fast. And the person that I am, my mind goes into immediate overdrive as I mentally start to prepare. All the things that I have to do.

I know I can do this. I did it before -- for 18 months. This time is different. I now have two babies - one who is now old enough to understand that daddy will be going away for a long time.

I'm sad.

I realized this morning that this might be our last Christmas together as a family for a whole year. I thought about how much My Marine will miss -- again. Nani's first day of kindergarten, her 6th birthday, Nudge's 2nd birthday, ballet recitals, picnics....and so much more.

I thought about another 12 months of dreading the doorbell ringing, of watching the news, holding my breath. Another 12 months of long, lonely weekends, of sleeping alone, of not having a good night's sleep because every creak and groan in the house keeps me awake. Another 12 months of feeling resentful because my friends' husbands are still here -- and mine isn't. Another 12 months of worrying -- will they be there for me if I need them? Another 12 months of wondering....what if? And another 12 months of hiding my tears from my daughters because I need to be strong for them.

By the end of this weekend, we'll know. And all my worrying and crying could be for nothing. But the pit in my stomach is preparing me for the news.

And once again, I'll march on...because there's nothing else that I can do. I'll do it because my girls will depend on me. I'll do it because My Marine will depend on me. I'll start saving boxes and Pringles cans for care packages. I'll start taking lots of pictures and videos.

We'll dust off our Nemo and start our bedtime ritual again. (Before My Marine's first deployment, we bought Nani a stuffed Nemo. Once he left, Nani & I would have a bedtime ritual where we would kiss Nemo goodnight and then Nemo would "swim" all the way to daddy to bring him her kisses. Then he would "swim" all the way back to bring her his kisses when she would wake up in the morning.)

And as always -- we will stand behind him. Supporting him all the way. Loving him all the way. Praying for him all the way.

So, if you're a praying person -- I just ask that over the next day or so, to please say a little prayer that the powers that be make the right decisions and that I have the strength and peace to accept that decision -- knowing that God is putting My Marine where He knows he will be needed the most.


Charity December 5, 2009 at 8:37 AM  

I will be praying for you. Please keep me posted.

Annette December 5, 2009 at 8:37 AM  

Praying and supporting you!

Take the time to enjoy these days with him!

Too Many Hats December 5, 2009 at 4:41 PM  

Praying for you, your Marine, and those in charge. I'm also sending you cyber-hugs.

Jenny December 5, 2009 at 6:34 PM  

Oh yes, I will be praying!

Jillian December 5, 2009 at 7:58 PM  

I am so sorry to hear about this being your last Christmas together for a year!! I will be praying for your family this holiday season!

Helene December 6, 2009 at 11:25 PM  

Oh no! I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. That's a super long time to go without your husband.

Sending many prayers your way!

Angela December 8, 2009 at 11:39 AM  

Ok, you can't read this post and listen to this song at the same time! I'm in tears, but know I have lifted you and your family up in my prayers this morning! I'm proud of you. Tell it like it is. Share your heart! And pray!

Erin @ Closing Time December 8, 2009 at 6:21 PM  

I am reading this post a few days late, but I am praying for you now!

Amanda: December 8, 2009 at 8:04 PM  

Oh wow... I can't imagine that. I hate when Rick is gone at all - even for the weekend. I was just thinking he's been driving me crazy lately being home so much (work is in between seasons) - now I feel bad for thinking that way. Just know we'll all be here for you if/when he's out protecting our freedom.

Erin December 12, 2009 at 9:01 PM  

When my father retired from the military they gave him a certificate of some kind and said, "On behalf of a grateful nation..." Then they turned to my mother, my brother and I (then 15 and 12, I was 15 my brother 12) and said, "On behalf of a grateful nation." I'll never forget the way they acknowledged the family's sacrifice- and even though I spent a lot of years crying and wishing my Daddy were home, I have to tell you that I am 26 now and have always, always felt loved by him. So in the meantime, while waiting for that "certificate," I guess you'll have to hold on to that feeling of duty and that "grateful nation." Your family is in my prayers.

Anonymous February 19, 2010 at 11:03 PM  
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