>> Sunday, June 26, 2011
Originally posted October 2010
I've been struggling with my faith. It's a struggle that I've been battling for quite a long time now.
I grew up in a Catholic household where I HAD to go to church every Sunday - whether I wanted to or not. I went to a Catholic college...but during those college years, the church-going wasn't so important to me.
I got married and moved away.....and my faith slid down the the priority list and my church-going days were non-existent.
I had some hard years in my personal life and my marriage - and then my husband deployed to Iraq.....and while I still did not go to church, I prayed. I prayed for God to help me with my struggles. I prayed to God to keep my husband safe. I prayed that God heard my prayers. I had doubts. Why would God listen to my prayers? Why would God want to help me? I haven't been that faithful. I doubted Him and His existence. I haven't been to church. Why would I even bother to pray when so many others suffer and are in need of His prayers and help?
Over the past year and a half, something started to stir within me. I had a longing for something more...and for that I have to thank my MOPS group. Because of MOPS, that longing to have a new relationship with God was planted as a tiny seed within me. I may not have gone to church every week, but by attending MOPS, I was still feeling God's love and hearing His message. It was a good start for me.
I wanted to intensify my walk with God. I began to search for a church. I began to have conversations with God -- mostly at night when I would feel at my lowest. I began to pray again. It may not have been on a regular, daily basis...but I had to start somewhere. I started listening to inspirational music. I thought that by starting to do all of these things, I would feel that proverbial "lightening bolt" that would acknowledge God's presence in my life. I expected to hear God's voice. To have this moment of great spiritual awakening -- that "A-Ha!" moment. It never came in the way that I expected.
Two weekends ago, I attended the Women of Faith conference here in Denver. I was pretty excited to hear some of the speakers and was hoping that I would come away with some small message. But, what I came away with was so much more.
I realized that God has been speaking to me all along....I was just too wrapped up in waiting for that "lightening bolt" that I just didn't listen. It wasn't the bolt of lightening -- it was the small whispers, the smallest things. It wasn't God's booming voice saying to me, "I am here!". It was God's small whisper saying "Be still and know that I am here and that I accept you where you are right now"
It was God's subtle whispering when My Marine didn't have to attend a work-related class a couple of states away. I was stressing over how we would find the money to send him -- especially after draining our savings account for unexpected car repairs. God whispered and My Marine didn't have to go.
It was God's subtle whispering that kept us safe during our recent trip to Portland. While we passed 4 tractor trailer accidents (all going the opposite way of our travels), our car did slip and slide a few times. God whispered and tightened our grip on the steering wheel to keep control of our car.
It was God's subtle whispering that led me to listen to more inspirational music. God has given me a love of music....all types of music. And God has chosen to use that love to get His message across to me. He whispered "You may not hear my words spoken, but you will hear my words & my message through song". God whispered beautiful songs & lyrics into my ear...and I listen and sing along.
I'm learning as I go. Some things are still a little uncomfortable for me...but I take that as a sign that it's something that I need to "be still" about and try to listen to what God is whispering in my ear. He is making me uncomfortable for a reason....there is something that I need to learn from my discomfort. I don't think that I'll ever be a "Prayer Warrior" quoting scripture so easily from the top of my head. Heck -- I can't even remember where I put my bible!
But I do know that when I DO find my bible, I will be putting in some inspirational music and letting it fall open to whatever message God will be whispering to me at that moment.