Anxiety, Friends and The Odd Girl Out......

I don't make friends easily.  There, I said it.

It's hard for me to make friends.  Inside, I'm a very shy, insecure person and the thought of walking into a room full of people I don't know -- or don't know well -- sends me into a major anxiety attack.  Not sure where this all comes from, but I've been this way for as long as I could remember.  But because of that -- it's very hard for me to approach people -- to try to put myself out there and make new friends.

Oh sure, I've got "friends" -- I've made a lot of friends through college, through work, through the military.  But the one thing I've been missing is the "Friend".......you know the one.....the Friend you can call any time to share any thing.  The Friend who knows you better than you know yourself.  The Friend who knows your deepest darkest fears and secrets and loves you just the same.  The Friend who knows exactly what you need when you need it.

Even within my group of "friends" - I've always felt like the odd one out -- the third wheel so to speak.  You can sense the closeness that the others have....but I feel like an afterthought.  Oh yeah.....let's include her too and I feel like the tagalong.

And when those feelings come up - I tend to pull back....pull away.....withdraw.....back into my shell, back into the safety and comfort of my home.....my kids, my dog, My Marine.  That's safe.  In my comfort zone, I don't have to put myself out there and risk getting hurt or exposing myself.  Because exposing myself means that I won't be liked.

I want to have deeper friendships....but doing that means I have to open up.....and to open up means I have to expose all my quirks and imperfections.....but I can't do that because I need to keep up with the facade that I am perfect wife and perfect mom......and because I'm not the perfect wife and perfect mom, then I can't be the perfect friend either......so if I'm not the perfect friend, why would anyone want to be in a friendship with me.....so let's just withdraw.....if I don't expose myself, then you can't hurt me.

What a vicious circle of thinking, don't you think?

Kind of feels pretty silly to be worried about something like this so late in my life.  Most women, by this point, are incredibly secure with themselves and their thinking and their friendships.  I suppose that's why I love blogging so much....it just gives me the chance to express, vent, share something that I probably wouldn't even DARE talk about with an "in-real-life" friend. 

I guess you could say my blog is my friend.  :-)

So....pardon my random thought process this morning.  I think I'll go schedule another appointment with my therapist now!  Ha! Ha!