Feeling Worthless.....

I have self-esteem issues.  I always have.  Low self-esteem and the quest for perfectionism go hand in hand for me.

The kicker is, though, that when I do get some sort of praise for something I've done, I can't accept it because I just don't feel worthy of it....therefore lowering my self-esteem even more - even though I've gotten that boost that I've been searching for.  It's a vicious cycle and something that I've written about over and over again.

This past week has been nothing short of attack after attack on my self-esteem it seems.  That Little Devil has been camping out on my shoulder whispering her damaging words in my ear.  I made a call to my therapist last night and we had a nice phone conversation and she gave me some homework.  I had to write down what my recent triggers where and what I thought my Little Devil was saying.  Then as the next step, I had to create a Little Angel and write what I thought she would say to undo the damage the Little Devil said.  Crazy, I know.....and while I wrote about the "bad" you'll see that there's no "good" yet.....because I struggle with it.

So as I write.....I write for myself.  I'm not expecting an outpouring of comments or support.  I'm not trolling for sympathy.  I'm looking for a way to heal myself and writing is part of that process.  I could have written this post in private...in my journal.  But I wanted to write it here because I wanted people to see - that in spite of what they think - I really am not the perfect wife and mom.  I'm damaged and I'm broken.

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Examples:

Last week I joined a boxing gym.  I took a free class before I signed up and loved it.  It was everything I wanted.....and I made it through the class.  But now that it's starting to sink in and I'm committed, that Little Devil starts her whispering again....

Why did you even bother?  You're just going to fail at this just like you've failed with everything else.  You'll never lose this weight.  You're just going to continue to be fat for the rest of your life.  You won't follow through and you'll quit - just like you've quit everything else you've tried.



My Marine came home from training a little early due to the wildfires near their training area.  But that didn't stop him from continuing to train and he's been working long days.  Often out of the house by 8am and home anywhere between midnight and 1am.  I shared on FB that he was working long hours and not coming home until late and that I was worried about him.  I got comments and emails like "Well at least he gets to come home" and "Suck it up....he's training...."  And that Little Devil taps me on the shoulder and says....

You're so insensitive.  They're right you know.  Not everyone's spouse gets to come home and now look what you've done.  You've made them feel bad because your husband gets to come home and theirs doesn't.  Way to go!  Just stop your posting on FB because no matter what you post, there's always some drama surrounding it and you'll just make someone feel bad.


This past weekend I attended a State Family Program Conference and this conference completed my first full year as an FRG Leader.  I always love going to these.  They're a lot of fun with lots of great information and resources.   There are also prizes and awards given.  My team participated in a poker run/scavenger hunt and with my help, ended up with 3 aces in our deck to give us a 3rd place win.  I also didn't win an award for volunteering.  I'll admit, deep down, I was hoping just a little.....but I wasn't surprised.  Why?  Because that Little Devil was rolling around on my shoulder giggling with glee.....

See.....even your best isn't good enough.  You pulled 2 aces to add to your team's hand and it still wasn't enough to win.  Your best doesn't even begin to qualify you as a winner.  And you were hoping for an award?  Why on earth would you think that?  You're just not good enough.  You don't do enough.  How can you be an example to families when you can't even hold it together yourself?  Why would anyone even nominate you....you're just a failure.



July is here and the summer is halfway over.  I've barely done anything fun with my kids and they've spent a lot of time in childcare so I can go to the gym and attend the conference.  Little Devil is shaking her head and giving me such a disproving look.....

What kind of mother are you that you're putting your kids in childcare during their summer vacation?  You're selfish.  You should be enjoying the summer with them and not sticking them in a room with other kids to have someone else watch.



So....there it is.  It's lot to have thrown at me within a week and I have a lot to work on.  For awhile there, I was making some progress.  But then deployment happened and stressor after stressor kept coming down.  Fear and doubt and worries starting chipping away at all that progress and now I'm back to square one.  But I know that I can get back to that place again....it will just take a little more work......