The "What If" Talk.....

Yeterday the girls and I got an extremely unexpected and happy surprise.  My Marine came home early from work.  And I'm talking like 6 hours early since he was supposed to be flying that night.  We were thrilled!  He still had to use that extra time to pack his trunk, but we didn't care....he was home.

So, last night, after the girls were in bed, we were spending some quality time together....getting caught up on all the DVR'd shows that we watch together so that they're not sitting there for the next year....just eating up priceless space that could be used to tape "Craft Wars" and any movie starring Johnny Depp.

During a commercial break, instead of fastforwarding, I paused our show and told him that we needed to talk.  I could see his eyes glaze over and knew I had to strike quickly before I lost him completely.  So I just ripped the bandaid off and told him that we needed to have the "What If" talk.  We had been putting if off for so long.  I mean really.....who wants to talk about planning your own memorial service?

And that's what we had to talk about.  I needed to know his wishes.  I needed to know what he wanted, what he didn't want.  His first words out of his mouth"

"I want you to move on....both for you and our girls."

That was not what I wanted to hear....I wanted to talk about what kind of flowers he wanted.  Did he want music?  Who did he want to speak?

I never even considered the thought of moving on.  How could I possibly even think about that?  He is my soul mate....my best friend....my high school sweetheart.  We've been together since we were 17 years old.  How could I even think about moving on with someone else when the majority of my life has been spent with the only man who knows me better than myself.  We grew up together.  We have history.  I can't even fathom the thought of starting over and letting someone else get as close to me as My Marine.

So....I dismissed it.  I pushed it aside with a smile and an "ok" and a "let's talk about details".  And the awesome soulmate that he is, knew better than to push it with me and agreed to move on.

So we talked......

About how his best friend would fly to Colorado at a moment's notice to be by my side and help me
About how we would handle notification for both his family and my family
About viewings
About who would speak at his service
About who he wants to receive flags
About how if something should happen during the deployment, how much should the girls be exposed to
About if we wanted a memorial fund set up in the girls' names

And to alleviate any tension, I apologized for the fact that I probably wouldn't be able to get Van Halen or Rush to play his memorial service.  He laughed.  I laughed.  And the conversation was over.

Morbid discussion?  Yes.  But it's my reality.  After losing two of our own last summer I know that anything could happen at a moment's notice.....and I vowed to myself then that I would do everything I could to make sure the big details were taken care of.  The rest would follow......

Obviously, this isn't a conversation that anyone can have with their husband before sending them off to the office every morning.  It's just that my husband's office is in a war zone for the next year or so.  And even when he does get back, it will still be in the back of my mind.

But for the moment, I have a plan.....and now I can take a breath, file it away, and pray for his and his unit's safe return.

Which will happen.......