>> Monday, October 22, 2012
As you can tell from my previous post about the 2012 Kiddie Christmas Card Exchange - I'm still alive......and surviving Deployment.
It's been 3 months since My Marine left....and 5.5 weeks since he was home on leave. We're getting by. It's been harder than I expected.....and that frustrates me. This certainly isn't my first rodeo, so to speak, but I'm really struggling. The period of time that it's taking me to bounce back from him leaving is longer. I have good days and bad days....but the bad days are far outweighing the good days.
I'm not sleeping. The deployment insomnia syndrome has me deep in it's grip. No matter what time I try to go to bed (9pm, 10pm, 11pm, midnight....) I'm still up like clockwork at 1am and then struggle with trying to get back to sleep until around 3-4am and then am up, wide awake at 5am. The anxiety is worse during those times. What if something happens to me? Will anyone even notice? What if something happens to my kids? What if the furnace, other appliances, car goes haywire? I've tried hot baths, warm milk, herbal tea, melatonin and more. The only thing I refuse to resort to is a prescription sleeping pill. I have a fear of it -- what if my kids needs me in the middle of the night? What if the dog needs to go out and then poops on the carpet because I didn't hear her crying? What if a serial killer breaks in and I'm too asleep to hear it and save my kids?
I'm not eating. Let me rephrase....I'm not eating right. My kids are eating like champs. At least I make sure they're fed. Me....not so much. Cereal has been a big staple of my diet lately. I have managed a few "Sunday-type" dinners along the way and recently signed up for Schwan's meal delivery. Had their penne last night for dinner.....not too bad. Although the ice cream is better! =)
I've got no energy or motivation. I have one or two good days and then rest of the days it's all I can do to drag myself out of bed and get the kids to school. I haven't put up one single fall/Halloween decoration....at all. I still have my "patriotic" decor up from when My Marine left in July. I want to decorate for Christmas and plan on starting to take boxes out of the attic this week. I figure if I spread the decorating out a little bit, I have a better chance of getting some stuff done. Yes -- I'll probably be done by Thanksgiving, but so what.
I'm frustrated because during My Marine's first deployment.....I had this. I was put together. I was in a routine. I decorated. I got out. I did things. Nani was only 8 months old. I also had my mom and daddy here. They would each come and stay with me for a period of time. I was able to get some rest. I scheduled activities to do for us.
Now I have two....two little girls who are fully aware of what's going on. I thought it would be a little easier because they are older and understand more. And this time I don't have my mom and daddy. Mom just had knee replacement surgery this past week....another stressor for me to add to the pile. With her recovery and rehad, they just aren't able to come. I was ok with that. I'm a "tough military wife", right? "I can do this by myself", right?
But for some reason, I feel like the puzzle that has pieces missing...and I don't want my girls to look back on this deployment as the year that mommy fell apart. You'd look at me now and think, geez, this must be her first deployment!
I'm confident that I'll start to bounce back here shortly. It's just taking me a little longer than I anticipated.
In the meantime, I'll make another pot of coffee and chill another bottle of wine....and keep counting down those days.....