Momnesia - Week 2: Sleep Deprivation

Week 2 - Sleep Deprivation:  The Beginning

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Your first baby - this is one of the hugest moments in your life.  You're euphoric, you're basking in motherhood, you're the happiest you've ever been.

We've all been there.  During our pregnancy and even those few hours after giving birth, we have our dreams and expectations.  We have visions of how we'll be the perfect mom - rocking our precious God-given gift as we gaze lovingly into her perfect little face....all the while maintaining a spotless house, cooking three meals a day, doing pediatrician-approved tummy-time activities, stimulating her little brain with parent-recommended toys, and researching the perfect preschool for your Little Einstein.

And then sleep deprivation slowly creeps in and you realize the "babymoon" is over and all those feelings you've been having are a result of the vicodin you've been taking since pushing a head the size of a watermelon out your hoo-hoo. (Or for some of us that had c-sections, being gulleted like a prize catfish at a fishing tournament).  And after walking the floor with your colicky baby for 9 hours straight while shushing into her ear so loudly that even Helen Keller would hear it, you wonder if you'd go to hell for wanting to exchange God's gift for something a little quieter..........like a blender. 

 VS.

And if you can't get the blender, then you find yourself bargaining with God.

Dear God - if you'll just let Satan's Spawn our little angel sleep long enough for me to regenerate a few brain cells, I will:

• Never go through a Starbucks again.  (Which you know is a lie because how do you think you're going to get through the day anyway?)
• Give up my DVR.  (Even though the DVR is getting you through those sleep-deprived nights, you find that by watching late night infomercials you find that you really DO need a lifetime supply of Sham-Wows, the Pedipaws nail trimmer, and the Touch N Brush Hands Free Toothpaste Dispenser 
• Give up listening to music.  (Because nothing is more musical than your child's cries at 3am)
• Give up eating.  (Because you're just too tired to eat and lifting a fork takes too much effort)
• Forgo all future Christmas, birthday, and anniversary gifts.  (Again, not a problem because with Momnesia you forget all those important dates anyway)
• Do my wifely duty after my 6-week checkup and not tell my husband that the doctor recommends waiting another 6 months for me to "heal" (AKA - There's no way in hell you're touching me after I've squeezed your child through my loins!)

Stay tuned for next week's post -- Momnesia - Sleep Deprivation:  Do's and Don't's

Now excuse me while I go take a nap!