Momnesia: Week 4 - Selective Memory

Momnesia:  Week 4 - Selective Memory

Let's face it moms....our brain cells started dying a slow death the minute we found out we were pregnant.

Our brains are funny things.  It randomly plays tricks on us.  It gives us a good run for a while, making us feel comfortable thinking that we've got it....we're back in control...and then WHAM!  You wake up one morning and find that after you showered you tried to put your underwear on backwards and couldn't find your foundation - even though it was staring you right in the face.

Why is it that we can't remember our phone number, to let the dog back in the house, or to cancel the week's milk order so that you now have enough milk in your fridge for a small nation. (Just happened to me about 2 weeks ago!)  But random memories will pop into your head at any given moment and make you think what the hell was my coffee spiked with?  What's even more crazy is that these random thoughts will be back as far as your childhood!

For example:
(And again, I will neither confirm nor deny that any of these happened to me!)

You can't find the tickets that you JUST PRINTED out to take your daughter to see her beloved Mary Poppins, but you can remember the date of the first concert you went to with your husband (May 15, 1988) and who you saw (AC/DC).  You even remember what you wore (Acid-wash jeans with zippers on the ankles, black tshirt, big hair)

You can't remember the last time you had your hair cut, but you can remember how to make "big hair" or "blonde" hair using a whole bottle of Sun-In that afternoon you went to the wave pool.

You can't remember if the clothes pile in the laundry basket is clean or dirty, but you can remember how to "bleach" your jeans or "rip" them to make them look cool.  (They call that the "distressed look" nowadays)

You can't remember your OB/GYN's name, but you remember the name of the guy you danced with at the 6th grade dance just because your friends told him you thought he was cute.  (Wayne)

You can't remember to get the oil changed in the car, but you know all the lyrics to every Van Halen/Def Leppard/Bon Jovi song thanks to all those songs you recorded off the radio and on to cassette tapes.  (Oooohhhh, we're halfway the-ere....Whoo-oah...livin' on a prayer......)

It's inevitable.  Those thoughts sneak in when you're not expecting it.  During diaper changes, bath time, while you're driving to the grocery store.  Your brain wants to keep you on your toes.  Constantly on alert. 

What things have you forgotten and what random memories have showed up in your slide show of life?

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Momnesia - Sleep Deprivation: Do's and Don'ts

Week 3 - Sleep Deprivation: Do's and Don'ts

If you've been following my series so far, you now have brought your new, beautiful angel home from the hospital. And after the initial "newness" wears off, you now find that you are in the full grips of sleep deprivation.

Whether it's breastfeeding, colic, co-sleeping, not co-sleeping, or all of the above, you are just not getting any sleep and the world around you is really starting to look fuzzy. Kind of like your hair because you haven't washed it in four days.

You're finding that even the simplest of tasks are now more difficult.  And you often find yourself staring into space thinking, what the hell just happened?

So moms, I will give you a simplified list of things.

First, the list of DON'Ts: 

(And I will neither confirm nor deny that any of the following has happened to me!)

DON'T powder your baby with powdered sugar instead of baby powder.  This could happen if you're changing the baby in the vicinity of the kitchen and mistakenly grab the powdered sugar shaker instead of the baby powder from your diaper bag.  Then you'll be wondering why the dogs keep following you around and licking the baby's feet.

DON'T mistakenly pour Italian dressing into your coffee instead of your favorite cinnamon-vanilla coffee creamer.

DON'T forget that you do have a plate of food in front of you when you start to nod off at the dinner table.  Mashed potatoes really don't make a good exfoliator.

DON'T talk on your cell phone to a friend while complaining that you can't find your cell phone.

DON'T watch a Spanish soap opera on TV for about a half hour and then realize that you don't even speak Spanish.  But then keep watching because you really think you've got the plot figured out.

DON'T think that you can use those few minutes that you're in the bathroom to take a nap.  You'll wake up 30 minutes later with a sweaty ass and a toilet seat ring imprint.

DON'T put two sets of contacts in - since you couldn't remember that you put the first set in at the baby's 3am feeding.

DON'T keep the toothpaste near the diaper cream.  Your breath will smell like Desitin and your baby's farts will smell minty fresh.  (Which really isn't a totally bad thing....)

DON'T mistake your pillow for your child and try to breastfeed it.

DON'T try to be a good wife and pack your husband's lunch.  He'll be forever confused as to why you packed your car keys, the dog's chew toy, and the salt shaker.

DON'T try to pour a cup of coffee and make a bottle at the same time.  It's inevitable that you'll mix everything up and your baby will be on a caffeine high for the next 6 nights.

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Now mommies, don't give up hope!  For every DON'T, there is a DO!

DO "fake it" every once in awhile.  And no, I don't mean that....I mean not hearing the baby cry so that your husband will get up for that next diaper change, bottle feeding or burping. 

DO praise yourself for completing simple tasks (that don't require much brain power) such as blinking, breathing, and telling time on a digital clock.

DO find little places for power naps - in the rocker with the baby, in the middle of changing the sheets on your bed, on the laundry piled up in the laundry basket.

DO get a coffee pot with a timer and ask hubby to set it up for you.

DO take the help whenever you feel comfortable - even if said help comes from your mother, mother-in-law, or friend you haven't talked to in 4 months.

DO check the volume of the baby monitor before going to sleep catnap, or else you'll be peeling your husband off the ceiling when the baby first starts to cry.

DO check yourself before leaving the house to make sure you're wearing:  matching socks and shoes, breast pads, underwear, your tshirt the right way.

DO cherish every moment that you are bonding with your little angel. These moments pass so quickly!


Next week:  Tips to keep that baby brain of yours in good working order!

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Momnesia - Week 2: Sleep Deprivation

Week 2 - Sleep Deprivation:  The Beginning

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Your first baby - this is one of the hugest moments in your life.  You're euphoric, you're basking in motherhood, you're the happiest you've ever been.

We've all been there.  During our pregnancy and even those few hours after giving birth, we have our dreams and expectations.  We have visions of how we'll be the perfect mom - rocking our precious God-given gift as we gaze lovingly into her perfect little face....all the while maintaining a spotless house, cooking three meals a day, doing pediatrician-approved tummy-time activities, stimulating her little brain with parent-recommended toys, and researching the perfect preschool for your Little Einstein.

And then sleep deprivation slowly creeps in and you realize the "babymoon" is over and all those feelings you've been having are a result of the vicodin you've been taking since pushing a head the size of a watermelon out your hoo-hoo. (Or for some of us that had c-sections, being gulleted like a prize catfish at a fishing tournament).  And after walking the floor with your colicky baby for 9 hours straight while shushing into her ear so loudly that even Helen Keller would hear it, you wonder if you'd go to hell for wanting to exchange God's gift for something a little quieter..........like a blender. 

 VS.

And if you can't get the blender, then you find yourself bargaining with God.

Dear God - if you'll just let Satan's Spawn our little angel sleep long enough for me to regenerate a few brain cells, I will:

• Never go through a Starbucks again.  (Which you know is a lie because how do you think you're going to get through the day anyway?)
• Give up my DVR.  (Even though the DVR is getting you through those sleep-deprived nights, you find that by watching late night infomercials you find that you really DO need a lifetime supply of Sham-Wows, the Pedipaws nail trimmer, and the Touch N Brush Hands Free Toothpaste Dispenser 
• Give up listening to music.  (Because nothing is more musical than your child's cries at 3am)
• Give up eating.  (Because you're just too tired to eat and lifting a fork takes too much effort)
• Forgo all future Christmas, birthday, and anniversary gifts.  (Again, not a problem because with Momnesia you forget all those important dates anyway)
• Do my wifely duty after my 6-week checkup and not tell my husband that the doctor recommends waiting another 6 months for me to "heal" (AKA - There's no way in hell you're touching me after I've squeezed your child through my loins!)

Stay tuned for next week's post -- Momnesia - Sleep Deprivation:  Do's and Don't's

Now excuse me while I go take a nap!

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Mommy Brain - Week 1

So I found myself today in yet another embarrassing situation where I lost something.  I noticed that Nudgie was wearing only one shoe when I picked up Nani at preschool.  I looked in the Jeep (or thought I did) and went back into the school to look.  No luck.  Went back to the Jeep only to discover the shoe sitting in the car seat.  I must have picked up that darn shoe twice, looked at it and put it back down.  I guess my brain thought - Oh, is THAT the shoe you were looking for?  I thought you were looking for the white shoe, and not the pink one.  I cursed under my breath that what I had here was a case of Mommy Brain.

I decided that I would have to write another series....this time about Mommy Brain - what is it and how do we combat it.  And combat it we will my friends!

So welcome to my new series.........

Momnesia.  Mommy Brain.

Whatever we call it, as moms we all have it.  We'd all like to get rid of it.  We'd like to find a cure.  Can't you just see it now.  A telethon devoted to Momnesia Awareness.  (Isn't that an oxymoron though?  Awareness of something you can't remember?)

Where was I going with this?

Oh yeah....mommy brain.

It starts from the moment we pee on the stick and see those two lines (or for those of us who have trouble counting, the word "PREGNANT' appears on the stick).  Once you start creating life, those tiny baby cells are sucking the life and brain power right out of you.  (I'm sure there's research somewhere that during an average bout of morning sickness, you are probably throwing up at least 80% of your brain cells!)

Before we had kids, we could remember every single solitary detail of every single solitary moment of our lives.  After kids, we can't even remember what day it is, let alone our kid's names half the time.  (Nudgie!  No, wait... Zoja!  No, wait....  Nani!  Dammit!  Hey you!!)

So, you might suffering from Momnesia if you:

Discover that your cordless phone is dead because you tried to charge it in the base of the baby monitor.

Find that you've lost your morning cup of coffee - again.  Pour yourself another cup and when you go to reheat it, find the original cup of coffee that you've been looking for.

Have a brief thought and run to grab some pen and paper to write it down before it flits away.  Only to forget what your thought was as you get distracted with toys and books on the floor.

Start at least 5 different "To-Do" lists because you keep "misplacing" the ones you've already written.

Take your two dogs to the dog park and only come home with one.  Or worse yet, take your two kids to the park and only come home with one.  Or even better yet - take your kids to the dog park and your dogs to the kid park.

Have misplaced your (insert object here) more times than you care to remember.  (But because you have mommy brain, losing your keys, sunglasses, wallet, etc. is just like losing them for the first time!)

Can't remember if the clothes in the laundry basket are clean or dirty, so you wash the whole pile all over again.  Same goes for the dishwasher.

Have pulled out of your driveway with your coffee, purse, phone, diaper bag, child on the hood/roof of your car.

Find the strangest things in the fridge, and can't remember how (or why) they got there.

You find that you forget even the simplest words - like dog, cat, food, sleep, bathe.

Sound familiar?

But I think we all want to know the answer to that all-important question. 

WILL IT EVER END?  WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO STRING TOGETHER A FULL SENTENCE AND ACTUALLY COMPLETE IT?  WILL I EVER FIND MY SUNGLASSES AGAIN?  (I can tell you that the answer to this one is yes.  You will find them, along with the 8 pairs of replacement sunglasses you bought as well.)

But for tips and techniques for living with Momnesia, you'll have to come back next week and read more!

Next Week:  Bringing Home Baby - Let The Loss of Brain Function Begin!

In the meantime, share your Momnesia moments with us in the comments section. (That is, if you can remember how to type!)

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