Momnesia - Sleep Deprivation: Do's and Don'ts

Week 3 - Sleep Deprivation: Do's and Don'ts

If you've been following my series so far, you now have brought your new, beautiful angel home from the hospital. And after the initial "newness" wears off, you now find that you are in the full grips of sleep deprivation.

Whether it's breastfeeding, colic, co-sleeping, not co-sleeping, or all of the above, you are just not getting any sleep and the world around you is really starting to look fuzzy. Kind of like your hair because you haven't washed it in four days.

You're finding that even the simplest of tasks are now more difficult.  And you often find yourself staring into space thinking, what the hell just happened?

So moms, I will give you a simplified list of things.

First, the list of DON'Ts: 

(And I will neither confirm nor deny that any of the following has happened to me!)

DON'T powder your baby with powdered sugar instead of baby powder.  This could happen if you're changing the baby in the vicinity of the kitchen and mistakenly grab the powdered sugar shaker instead of the baby powder from your diaper bag.  Then you'll be wondering why the dogs keep following you around and licking the baby's feet.

DON'T mistakenly pour Italian dressing into your coffee instead of your favorite cinnamon-vanilla coffee creamer.

DON'T forget that you do have a plate of food in front of you when you start to nod off at the dinner table.  Mashed potatoes really don't make a good exfoliator.

DON'T talk on your cell phone to a friend while complaining that you can't find your cell phone.

DON'T watch a Spanish soap opera on TV for about a half hour and then realize that you don't even speak Spanish.  But then keep watching because you really think you've got the plot figured out.

DON'T think that you can use those few minutes that you're in the bathroom to take a nap.  You'll wake up 30 minutes later with a sweaty ass and a toilet seat ring imprint.

DON'T put two sets of contacts in - since you couldn't remember that you put the first set in at the baby's 3am feeding.

DON'T keep the toothpaste near the diaper cream.  Your breath will smell like Desitin and your baby's farts will smell minty fresh.  (Which really isn't a totally bad thing....)

DON'T mistake your pillow for your child and try to breastfeed it.

DON'T try to be a good wife and pack your husband's lunch.  He'll be forever confused as to why you packed your car keys, the dog's chew toy, and the salt shaker.

DON'T try to pour a cup of coffee and make a bottle at the same time.  It's inevitable that you'll mix everything up and your baby will be on a caffeine high for the next 6 nights.

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Now mommies, don't give up hope!  For every DON'T, there is a DO!

DO "fake it" every once in awhile.  And no, I don't mean that....I mean not hearing the baby cry so that your husband will get up for that next diaper change, bottle feeding or burping. 

DO praise yourself for completing simple tasks (that don't require much brain power) such as blinking, breathing, and telling time on a digital clock.

DO find little places for power naps - in the rocker with the baby, in the middle of changing the sheets on your bed, on the laundry piled up in the laundry basket.

DO get a coffee pot with a timer and ask hubby to set it up for you.

DO take the help whenever you feel comfortable - even if said help comes from your mother, mother-in-law, or friend you haven't talked to in 4 months.

DO check the volume of the baby monitor before going to sleep catnap, or else you'll be peeling your husband off the ceiling when the baby first starts to cry.

DO check yourself before leaving the house to make sure you're wearing:  matching socks and shoes, breast pads, underwear, your tshirt the right way.

DO cherish every moment that you are bonding with your little angel. These moments pass so quickly!


Next week:  Tips to keep that baby brain of yours in good working order!

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Momnesia - Week 2: Sleep Deprivation

Week 2 - Sleep Deprivation:  The Beginning

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Your first baby - this is one of the hugest moments in your life.  You're euphoric, you're basking in motherhood, you're the happiest you've ever been.

We've all been there.  During our pregnancy and even those few hours after giving birth, we have our dreams and expectations.  We have visions of how we'll be the perfect mom - rocking our precious God-given gift as we gaze lovingly into her perfect little face....all the while maintaining a spotless house, cooking three meals a day, doing pediatrician-approved tummy-time activities, stimulating her little brain with parent-recommended toys, and researching the perfect preschool for your Little Einstein.

And then sleep deprivation slowly creeps in and you realize the "babymoon" is over and all those feelings you've been having are a result of the vicodin you've been taking since pushing a head the size of a watermelon out your hoo-hoo. (Or for some of us that had c-sections, being gulleted like a prize catfish at a fishing tournament).  And after walking the floor with your colicky baby for 9 hours straight while shushing into her ear so loudly that even Helen Keller would hear it, you wonder if you'd go to hell for wanting to exchange God's gift for something a little quieter..........like a blender. 

 VS.

And if you can't get the blender, then you find yourself bargaining with God.

Dear God - if you'll just let Satan's Spawn our little angel sleep long enough for me to regenerate a few brain cells, I will:

• Never go through a Starbucks again.  (Which you know is a lie because how do you think you're going to get through the day anyway?)
• Give up my DVR.  (Even though the DVR is getting you through those sleep-deprived nights, you find that by watching late night infomercials you find that you really DO need a lifetime supply of Sham-Wows, the Pedipaws nail trimmer, and the Touch N Brush Hands Free Toothpaste Dispenser 
• Give up listening to music.  (Because nothing is more musical than your child's cries at 3am)
• Give up eating.  (Because you're just too tired to eat and lifting a fork takes too much effort)
• Forgo all future Christmas, birthday, and anniversary gifts.  (Again, not a problem because with Momnesia you forget all those important dates anyway)
• Do my wifely duty after my 6-week checkup and not tell my husband that the doctor recommends waiting another 6 months for me to "heal" (AKA - There's no way in hell you're touching me after I've squeezed your child through my loins!)

Stay tuned for next week's post -- Momnesia - Sleep Deprivation:  Do's and Don't's

Now excuse me while I go take a nap!

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