Hard Time Forgiving and Damaged Self Esteem

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness

(1 John 1:9)

I'm not perfect.  Lord KNOWS I'm not perfect.  I made a lot of mistakes in my life.  Big, HUGE mistakes that have hurt and disappointed people that I love.

Those people have forgiven me and still love me.  And according to John 1:9, even God has forgiven me.  But here's the problem.....

I can't forgive myself.

I have such a hard time knowing that I've disappointed my parents, my husband, and my friends with my mistakes and that I hurt them so deeply.  I've been carrying this with me for so, so long.

And I think that ties in to my quest for perfection and the need I have to keep going and going and going.  I'm in this never-ending race to achieve perfection so that they will see that I am worth something, that I'm not worthless and unloveable.  (When in reality, they really don't see me that way, but it's the way I perceive myself and their thoughts.)  But the quest never ends because it doesn't matter whether I do something great, I still see failure in it.  It's not good enough, I need to try harder.  The bar keeps getting set higher and higher and it's a goal that will NEVER be achieved.

I can't accept forgiveness from myself just like I can't accept compliments -- from anyone.  I'm so uncomfortable with it.  Someone says - "Oh you're so incredibly talented with your crafts, you should sell them" and I'll give a negative response.  Or "Oh, you're such a good mom" and I tell myself that I've got everyone fooled.  It's a deep need within me to please - if I do something right then you'll love me, then you'll forgive me.

My good friend, Cindy came over and spent some time with me last night.  Our husbands are in the same unit and were gone last night, so we got together, shared a bottle of wine, cheese, and some really good girlfriend therapy.

We shared a lot with each other last night and I think she was very surprised to know that I have these deep dark issues.  I joked with her that I should make an appointment to see her sister (who is a psychiatrist) and she laughed and said, "Honey, you don't need drugs -- you need a good shot of some positive self-esteem."  She encouraged me to start my gratitude journal again and to start and end my day with one positive affirmation about myself.  She initially suggested five, but I laughed and told her that I have a hard time coming up with five things and that one was probably all I could handle for now.  (I always hated those stupid questionnaires -- list five positive things about yourself.  I could never do it.....)

I've read the Bible verses and know that God loves and forgives, no matter what.  But I cannot wrap my little warped brain around that fact and accept that I AM worthy of God's love and forgiveness.

But after last night, I got online this morning and saw the verse above along with this on my Facebook page -
"God does not hold grudges. He loves you, as He is your Heavenly Father, He will not turn His back on you."

Talk about getting a sign when I needed it the most..............

Now I'm off to go look in the mirror and tell my reflection that I forgive myself.......