It's A Boy or A Girl -- Maybe??

I always wanted to be a mother.  I know I've said this over and over, but it's all I've ever wanted.  No corporate ladder climbing for me -- just motherhood.

My Marine and I got married in 1995.  I had expected to have children within 2 years, but that didn't happen.  Being in the military was new to My Marine and me.  He was gone -- a lot -- and he didn't want to be an absentee dad.  (Yes, I know...look at our life now!).  But I gave in and we waited.

In 2000, he got out of the Marines and wasn't sure what his career path was going to be.  So we waited again.  This went on and on for a total of 9 years before we found out I was pregnant with Nani.  Nani was a surprise of epic proportions.  I was on the pill.  We were taking precautions.  But I guess God had other plans.

I was in heaven.  I was finally a mother! 

Then in the summer of 2007, we agreed to start trying again.  Nothing was holding us back.  We tried for 2 months before I became pregnant with Nudgie.

7th Heaven!

While I was laying on the table being put back together after my C-Section, my doctor and the surgeon asked me if I was having my tubes tied.  It was a resounding NO that echoed through the operating room.  If there was to come a time when we wouldn't have any more kids -- then My Marine was the one who was going to get snipped.

But he never did.  And I'm feeling the itch again.  I have been feeling it since we brought Nudgie home from the hospital.  It was a feeling that never went away.

I had hoped that it would go away after holding friends' babies -- and believe me, there's been a LOT over the past two years.  25 within the past year ALONE!   But the feeling never went away....and in fact, the ache became bigger and bigger.

I'd bring up the topic to My Marine every 6 months or so, but would never get a definite answer.  The one thing I clung to was the fact that he didn't outright say no.  It was a glimmer of hope. 

We've talked over and over - pros and cons.  It's hard to say exactly WHY I want another baby.  Why would I want to add to the insanity that is my daily life already?  Why would I want to relive the sleep deprivation and sleepless nights?  Why would I want to push my luck when I already am incredibly blessed with two very beautiful little girls......babies that I thank God for every single day.  Why would I want to go through 9 months of morning sickness, sinus infections, kidney shots and rib kicks?

Because I love being a mother.  I love my girls with such ferocity and I know I have room to love another baby. 

Saturday night, we had the talk again.  This time, we have a timeframe to make a decision.  I did tell My Marine that if he does say no, I will accept it.  However, he needs to understand that I will need time to process this decision.  To process that I will never feel those first flutters inside me, hold my newborn baby skin to skin, feel total contentment (and exhaustion) during those late night feeding time.  I explained that he needs to give me time to grieve and to understand that I will be upset and that I will be angry and that I just can't "let it go" like he can.

But deep down, I'm hoping that he'll say yes.