In Deep Mourning

I know I haven't written for awhile. This is probably the longest I've ever gone without writing. I wasn't sure when I'd write again, but ironically, it's the events of this past Sunday that drew me to write.

Sometime during the late hours of Saturday night/Sunday morning, I lost my beloved German Shepherd, Mitzi.

(This was one of the last photos we took of her the weekend before she died)

Saturday afternoon she seemed to have an unusual burst of energy - almost back to her pre-arthritis in the hips days. She was extremely cuddly too -- hovering around Nani and Nudgie almost all day long. But around dinner time, something didn't seem right. She looked a little bloated and was panting pretty heavily. She wasn't in any pain -- especially when we would touch her abdomen to see if she was hurting. She just kept moving between the living room and going outside to the deck. I hovered over her like a mother does with a sick child - but she seemed content. When I went up to bed, I gave her a love-tap with my foot and patted her on the head. Little did I know.......

When Marc came up to bed, we talked about her for a few minutes. Looking back, our conversation was so prophetic. I asked him if he thought it was "time" for her and grew upset because I just wasn't ready to let her go. I guess that just wasn't my choice.

Marc got up the next morning to let our other Shepherd, Zoja, out. I rolled over and just lay there, but I think deep down I knew Mitzi was gone before he even came upstairs to say "Honey, I have some bad news....."

I remember jumping out of bed and running downstairs and seeing my beloved Mitzi laying on the floor -- just looking as if she were sleeping. The only difference was that she was so cold. I lost it. I honestly don't even remember the last time I cried so hard. I just lay down next to her and cried and cried......so upset that she died all alone and that I didn't get to say goodbye to her. Marc assured me that this was the best way for her to go -- at home, in her sleep, on her own terms.

We got dressed and then woke up Nani so that she could say goodbye to Mitzi before we took her to the vet. We just simply explained that Mitzi was such a good dog that God wanted her to be with Him now, and that Mitzi was going to have a new home in Heaven. She took it pretty well.

Marc took Mitzi out to the car and we took her to the emergency vet -- the same one who did her surgery back in February when she was attacked by the stray. I was so grateful that the nurse was so sympathetic and understanding. We were put into a private room and the nurse came in with a blanket to cover her. I just sat on the floor next to her....petting her head, playing with her droopy ear, and just crying....crying....

I decided that I did want her remains back and the vet was going to provide us with a little urn with her paw print on it. I'm going to take half of her ashes and go to Build A Bear where I can have her put into a stuffed animal that I can hold and hug whenever I feel that I need her close to me.

When we got home, Marc and I still continued with our plans for a one-night getaway to Rocky Mountain National Park. My mom was in town and was going to stay with the girls. We decided to still go because it wouldn't do us any good to sit at home -- Marc felt that I needed to get away.

But the drive up for me was hard.

I kept thinking of my beloved Mitzi. I had her for 15 years. She was with me more than Marc was during our marriage. She was with me through his deployments and trips and schools. She was my first baby before I had babies. She was there when both my girls were born and took care of them as if they were her own pups. She was my confidante -- now taking all my secrets, confessions, worries with her. I kept thinking -- what would I do without her?

And then the guilt set in --

We'd get so frustrated with her sometimes when she'd have accidents in the house. We'd get frustrated when she'd start to wander off and we'd have to chase her down the street. We'd get frustrated because she'd bark for no good reason. We'd get frustrated because she was always underfoot. I began to wonder if she left us because she felt she wasn't loved or needed any more. And that was a stab to my heart -- thinking that she may have died feeling that way.

It's only been 4 days.....and I can't stop crying. I know the pain and the hurt will ease with time. And deep down, I know that she's at peace -- she's now healthy and whole - no more painful hips, no more droopy ear, no more runny and cloudy eyes, no more hard of hearing.

She was 15 when she died and she lived longer than any of us ever could have expected.  Rest in peace my beloved Mitzi. You will always be in my heart and mind. I love you.