My Words or God's Words?

>> Tuesday, October 26, 2010

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So some of you who have been following me for awhile have known that I struggle with my faith.  It's only just within the past two years or so that I've really become more consciously aware and have this need to search for more -- to truly love and have faith and believe.  This post may be a bit disjointed, bouncing from thought to thought, not really making much sense - but it's just my way of working through things, so please bear with me.

I've had many experiences of God's blessings -- for which I was thankful for every single one.  So then why do I still doubt?  Why do I still have trouble believing?

Last week was a hard time for me.  I had a string of bad days where I just wanted to curl into a ball and withdraw from life.  I just felt so low and so depressed.  Which scared me.

I finally just reached my breaking point.  I had a huge almost-three-day crying jag - which felt both therapeutic and cleansing and exhausting afterwards.  I literally hit my knees and cried to God that I just can't take any more.  I can't deal with everything on my own.  One night I soaked in a hot bath -- as hot as I could stand it and just closed my eyes and prayed.  I literally saw myself being embraced by Him.  I heard words - "Trust me". 

But then I doubted.  Where those my words?  Words that I was just saying in my subsconscious to make myself feel better?  Or was I truly hearing/feeling God?  Is it me trying to control things again -- even my own internal dialogue?  Or was God truly comforting me when I needed it the most?

Not only did I hear that message, I continued to have these "feelings" over the next few days.  I'd hear "calm yourself", "trust me".  I was surrounded by a strong group of friends and prayer warriors who reached out to pray for me during those few days of darkness.

But amazingly though -- I started to feel better.  The fog started to lift just a little. 

On Saturday we took the girls for another drive.  It was a beautiful day, clear skies, sun shining.  As I gazed out the window of the car as we drove, I just soaked in the beautiful scenery of the mountains.  And I heard it again -- "see what I've created?" 

I heard words of reassurance in songs that I would listen to.  I would read Facebook posts with words that would just speak to what I've been feeling at that moment.  I would have Bible verses just pop into my day at just the right moment.

I'm trying hard to trust and believe that all of it was those "forehead pokes" from God.  Letting me know that He is there, that He does care.

I'm reading a book right now by Sheila Walsh - Beautiful Things Happen When A Woman Trusts God.  If you haven't read this book, I highly recommend that you do.  I've seen Sheila speak at two Women of Faith conferences and she is by far one of my favorite speakers.  There is just something about her life story that everyone can relate to.  And as I started reading her book, I'm beginning to realize that she is the woman she is today because of her past, because of her doubts.  Her story is my story.  Her doubts and issues with trusting God are my issues too.

Anyway - I digress.  

I guess the whole point of this rambling, disjoined post was to just get it out there - how do I know if the silent voice I hear is God's voice or my own.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.


Semalee October 26, 2010 at 9:13 AM  

Jennifer- sounds to me like a test! Don't you know the devil loves to make us doubt ourselves, our faith, our ability to hear god, and anything else. It's so easy to let those thoughts take us over, and often people are the worst at confirming our doubts!

What a great gift you have received hearing His voice and words. :)

Elle Belles Bows October 26, 2010 at 9:56 AM  

Definitely Trust and hang in there. Thanks for the book recommendation too! Kerri

Sara October 26, 2010 at 5:35 PM  

To me - that is how God communicates. It is always short, sweet, and to the point. But it also has this very gentle tone. Not pushy in any way - but strong in the way it takes over your mind in that moment.

I recently asked for more faith and to see... I tried so hard to get quiet and see, but the only thing that happened was HIS voice - "In the quiet, just listen" over and over. Then the very next night my bible study pastor said first thing "Faith comes by hearing".

The enemy on the other hand is VERY pushy... Nagging words AND he loves a good opening. The devil knows when we are at a weak point, he also knows what our hot buttons are and will try to push and push, especially when we are hearing from God and or studying HIS word. Just tell the devil to take a hike In Jesus Name!!! It works.

Tracey M. October 26, 2010 at 9:34 PM  

Thank you for sharing your heart about your struggles with doubt. I am sure there are many, many others (me included) who have experienced what you're talking about. I think it shows an exciting work the Lord is doing in you! A couple verses came to me that I wanted to share. The first one was this: John 6:44 "No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him, and I will raise him up at the last day." I know you can make yourself nutty wondering if what you heard was from God, from you making it up, but the very fact that the result of these words is that you're being drawn to him, encouraged by him, comforted by him, tells me he IS speaking to you and drawing you!!! His word is a promise.

Here's the other verse: Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God." My thought is that these words are coming to you during times of stillness; when your heart has moments of quiet.

My prayer is that the Lord would use this time to "shore up the weak spots", those areas in you that bring the doubt up. For whatever reason, he's allowing this to happen; he's allowing you to be in a place, a season, or have times where there is doubt. Here's a song that has encouraged me and I hope it does for you by Ginny Owens (If you want me to).


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