Dear God - You Knew!

 

 

 

Dear God:

 

For most of my life, I've done it my way.  Believed all the bad things about myself.  And it's gotten me into some big messes -- messes that have come and gone.....and messes that I'm just now trying to dig out of.  Now, I think.....what if?

What if I had more faith in You back then?
What if I found a church to go to?

What if I talked through everything with You?

It didn't turn out that way, did it.  But, even back then.....You KNEW.

 

You KNEW I would come crawling back to You. 

 

You KNEW I would struggle -- try to be perfect so I could face You again. 

 

You KNEW that I desperately wanted to come home to You, but was afraid to -- because I believed I had to do everything "right" before I could even begin to think about You.

 

You KNEW that I was so afraid that You were mad at me, that You would turn me away, You would reject me, and that I just stopped trying.

 

You KNEW that I thought, "Why bother?" because You had so many other people worthy of Your love.

 

You KNEW that in my darkest moments of fear and worry -- over and over -- I would take those baby steps towards you....but then shy away again.

 

You KNEW that I would feel like an abused puppy -- so hesitant, so tentative -- wanting to trust You, but skittering away again, to hide.  But You remained.  You kept trying.  You slowly coaxed me out with blessings and acts that showed me -- proved to me -- that I could come to You and trust You.  You don't have to prove Yourself to ANYONE....but You KNEW that's what it would take to get me to start to come out from the dark.

You KNEW I needed others.  You began to surround me with believers.  Friends who would patiently listen to me as I poured out my struggles with faith.  Friends who would encourage and reinforce that You DO love me, You DO forgive me, You DO want me back.  Friends that convinced me that it's not about doing it the "right" way.

You surrounded me, enveloped me with music and songs that You KNEW would reach me deep in my soul because You KNEW that music was a way to get Your love and Your message through to me.

You used my daughters to continue to show me Your love - because You KNEW that I love them more than anything in this world and that if I could see their joy and passion for You just beginning in them, then I would soak You up as well.

 

 

 

You KNEW that I would eventually end up right here, right in this moment, writing these words to You.

 

You KNOW what my today holds.  You KNOW what my tomorrow will bring.  But the difference between me "then" and me "now" is that NOW I recognize that I have You with me, beside me, all around me.  Ready to offer grace, love and forgiveness.

Never again will I be that abused, broken puppy hesitating to come to You.  NOW I run to Your open arms, ready to jump in, to receive all that You have to give -- knowing that when I make a mistake, You will still be there.

 

ALWAYS

 

 

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My Words or God's Words?

Just a reminder that there's just one day left for my Giveaway!  

Less than 10 entries! Come by for a chance to win!

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So some of you who have been following me for awhile have known that I struggle with my faith.  It's only just within the past two years or so that I've really become more consciously aware and have this need to search for more -- to truly love and have faith and believe.  This post may be a bit disjointed, bouncing from thought to thought, not really making much sense - but it's just my way of working through things, so please bear with me.

I've had many experiences of God's blessings -- for which I was thankful for every single one.  So then why do I still doubt?  Why do I still have trouble believing?

Last week was a hard time for me.  I had a string of bad days where I just wanted to curl into a ball and withdraw from life.  I just felt so low and so depressed.  Which scared me.

I finally just reached my breaking point.  I had a huge almost-three-day crying jag - which felt both therapeutic and cleansing and exhausting afterwards.  I literally hit my knees and cried to God that I just can't take any more.  I can't deal with everything on my own.  One night I soaked in a hot bath -- as hot as I could stand it and just closed my eyes and prayed.  I literally saw myself being embraced by Him.  I heard words - "Trust me". 

But then I doubted.  Where those my words?  Words that I was just saying in my subsconscious to make myself feel better?  Or was I truly hearing/feeling God?  Is it me trying to control things again -- even my own internal dialogue?  Or was God truly comforting me when I needed it the most?

Not only did I hear that message, I continued to have these "feelings" over the next few days.  I'd hear "calm yourself", "trust me".  I was surrounded by a strong group of friends and prayer warriors who reached out to pray for me during those few days of darkness.

But amazingly though -- I started to feel better.  The fog started to lift just a little. 

On Saturday we took the girls for another drive.  It was a beautiful day, clear skies, sun shining.  As I gazed out the window of the car as we drove, I just soaked in the beautiful scenery of the mountains.  And I heard it again -- "see what I've created?" 

I heard words of reassurance in songs that I would listen to.  I would read Facebook posts with words that would just speak to what I've been feeling at that moment.  I would have Bible verses just pop into my day at just the right moment.

I'm trying hard to trust and believe that all of it was those "forehead pokes" from God.  Letting me know that He is there, that He does care.

I'm reading a book right now by Sheila Walsh - Beautiful Things Happen When A Woman Trusts God.  If you haven't read this book, I highly recommend that you do.  I've seen Sheila speak at two Women of Faith conferences and she is by far one of my favorite speakers.  There is just something about her life story that everyone can relate to.  And as I started reading her book, I'm beginning to realize that she is the woman she is today because of her past, because of her doubts.  Her story is my story.  Her doubts and issues with trusting God are my issues too.

Anyway - I digress.  

I guess the whole point of this rambling, disjoined post was to just get it out there - how do I know if the silent voice I hear is God's voice or my own.

I'd love to hear your thoughts.

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