Dear God - You Knew!

>> Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Dear God:
For most of my life, I've done it my way.  Believed all the bad things about myself.  And it's gotten me into some big messes -- messes that have come and gone.....and messes that I'm just now trying to dig out of.  Now, I think.....what if?

What if I had more faith in You back then?
What if I found a church to go to?
What if I talked through everything with You?

It didn't turn out that way, did it.  But, even back then.....You KNEW.

You KNEW I would come crawling back to You. 
You KNEW I would struggle -- try to be perfect so I could face You again. 
You KNEW that I desperately wanted to come home to You, but was afraid to -- because I believed I had to do everything "right" before I could even begin to think about You.
You KNEW that I was so afraid that You were mad at me, that You would turn me away, You would reject me, and that I just stopped trying.

You KNEW that I thought, "Why bother?" because You had so many other people worthy of Your love.
You KNEW that in my darkest moments of fear and worry -- over and over -- I would take those baby steps towards you....but then shy away again.
You KNEW that I would feel like an abused puppy -- so hesitant, so tentative -- wanting to trust You, but skittering away again, to hide.  But You remained.  You kept trying.  You slowly coaxed me out with blessings and acts that showed me -- proved to me -- that I could come to You and trust You.  You don't have to prove Yourself to ANYONE....but You KNEW that's what it would take to get me to start to come out from the dark.

You KNEW I needed others.  You began to surround me with believers.  Friends who would patiently listen to me as I poured out my struggles with faith.  Friends who would encourage and reinforce that You DO love me, You DO forgive me, You DO want me back.  Friends that convinced me that it's not about doing it the "right" way.

You surrounded me, enveloped me with music and songs that You KNEW would reach me deep in my soul because You KNEW that music was a way to get Your love and Your message through to me.

You used my daughters to continue to show me Your love - because You KNEW that I love them more than anything in this world and that if I could see their joy and passion for You just beginning in them, then I would soak You up as well.
You KNEW that I would eventually end up right here, right in this moment, writing these words to You.

You KNOW what my today holds.  You KNOW what my tomorrow will bring.  But the difference between me "then" and me "now" is that NOW I recognize that I have You with me, beside me, all around me.  Ready to offer grace, love and forgiveness.

Never again will I be that abused, broken puppy hesitating to come to You.  NOW I run to Your open arms, ready to jump in, to receive all that You have to give -- knowing that when I make a mistake, You will still be there.


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