How To Be A Good Wife - Week 3

>> Thursday, March 4, 2010

Well ladies - here it is....the latest edition of How To Be A Good Wife 1955 style vs. 2010 style.

For a recap of Week 1's lesson, click here and for Week 2, click here


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1955 Rule #3

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes.



They are little treasures, and he would like to see them playing the part.



Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, and vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.




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2010 Rule #3

Before leaving the house to run errands, make sure you've taken your daily dose of your "Mother's Little Helper"



As you strap your kids into their car seats, explain that if they behave like this....


The will be punished like this....




Run through the checklist of do's and don'ts for expected behavior such as....

DO NOT:

Ask for candy, sugary cereals, balloons, toys, ice cream or any other "fun" thing that should be a part of childhood.  We are not running errands for fun.

Tell the cashier that we buy Daddy beer to make him happy.

Surprise mommy by throwing extras into the shopping cart.  Mommy does not like to see ultra-sensitve condoms ribbed for her pleasure rolling down the conveyor belt.

Scream in the middle of the store at the top of your lungs "Mommy, I'm so hungry...why don't you feed me?" when I tell you that no, you may not put four boxes of Oreo cookies in the cart.

"Help" mommy by taking your baby sister for a ride in the shopping cart around the store -- leaving mommy to race around the aisles looking for you.

Beg and beg and beg for yet another McDonald's Happy Meal only to argue that your sister has more french fries, better toy, more pickles than you.


*************************

Once you get home and get the kids, groceries, 2 15-lb. bags of dog food, extra sippy cups that have fermented, and fossilized bagels unloaded from the car, begin to make lunch for your little treasures.

Referee fight between children as they yell that her sandwich is bigger than mine, you forgot to cut the crusts off, I don't want milk, I don't want juice, She got to pick the TV show last time, it's my turn now.....

Mentally run through your list of discipline techniques that you read in Supernanny's book.  You know, the one that is now shoved under the back leg of the kitchen table to keep it from wobbling.

In your mind, find yourself wanting to do this....




But wisely opt for this....



Realize that the day has totally gotten away from you and that your bread-winner husband will be coming through the door in just a few short minutes. 

Curse under your breath as you tell your oldest to please go wash the paint and dog fur off of her hands.


Look at the baby and realize that somehow she got into your make up again. 



Decide there's no time for a bath and wash her face off with a wet wipe when you change her diaper and applesauce crusted jeans.

In the few minutes that you have before he comes home, load the dishwasher, throw a load of laundry in the washer and dryer, and do a quick run of the vacuum.  Tell yourself that these soothing household sounds will tell your husband that you've been busy all afternoon preparing your home for his arrival.  Snap yourself out of that little daydream as the kids start to scream again for dinner.

After the day you've had with your children, give up and realize that you look like this when he comes home.......


As opposed to what he really wants to see when he opens the door....




Toss the kids at your husband, tell him he's on his own for dinner, and head up to the bathroom with a bottle of wine and the latest trashy magazine for at least 10 minutes in a hot bath!

24 comments:

amanda March 5, 2010 at 5:42 AM  

lol. my favorite is the fermented sippy cup comment. although ours are usually curdled milk!!

Krajcimama March 5, 2010 at 6:19 AM  

I am TOTALLY guilty of running around like crazy making it look like I actually did something about a half hour before DH gets home. He thinks I ask when he will be home because I miss him...in reality it's because I want to know when I have to close my laptop and load the dishwasher! :)

blueviolet March 5, 2010 at 7:47 AM  

I think you've got the outline here for a perfect day!

New Friday Follower here!

Erin March 5, 2010 at 7:48 AM  

Hysterical and so true of my life. Found you on friday follow. Hope you'll follow back at
www.erinamundsen.blogspot.com

Remodelaholic March 5, 2010 at 9:53 AM  

Just stopping in and looking around from Follow Friday! And just became your newest follower! Yea! Hope you stop by and return the favor!

My blog www.remodelaholic.com is all about interior design and remodeling there are some great tutorials so you can get the look you want on a budget! We also have a party every Friday to show off your stuff!!

Alyssa March 5, 2010 at 1:51 PM  

Too funny. I'm following from FF and look forward to more. I hope you enjoy my blog as well.

Trish March 5, 2010 at 3:07 PM  

Each rule seems to get better and better each week! Love them!

They are sooo true and this one if any other one is the truest! Makes me laugh!

Too Many Hats March 5, 2010 at 9:52 PM  

Hehehe - some days are just like that and other days are really bad ;)

Rachel Cotterill March 6, 2010 at 2:03 PM  

I do enjoy your comparisons :)

Personalized Sketches and Sentiments March 6, 2010 at 10:22 PM  

haha!!!! Love this post! (enjoy your sense of humor :o)

Blessings & Aloha!

The Girl Next Door Grows Up March 7, 2010 at 1:04 PM  

I so look forward to these - they just make me smile!

SafeHomeHappyMom March 7, 2010 at 5:28 PM  

Hi, I am your latest follower from FF, you can also follow my blog at www.safehomehappymom.com

You have an amazing blog here, I will definitely be coming back here.

Katrina March 7, 2010 at 8:58 PM  

A little late but I'm stopping by from Friday Follow. :)
I'm your newest follower!

http://sevinfamily.blogspot.com

Rondi March 8, 2010 at 12:03 AM  

Hello! Found you through Friday Follow. Very cute blog! Following you on GFC!

Amanda: March 8, 2010 at 7:39 PM  

Funny as always - and I expected nothing less from you :)

Deb K March 9, 2010 at 5:16 PM  

I am now following from MBC

You can find me here~
http://debshere.blogspot.com/

Helene March 9, 2010 at 10:41 PM  

Jen, I love this...you have outdone yourself! This is seriously funny stuff!! You had to be cracking up as you wrote this.

I literally laughed out loud about the "mother's helper"...I totally need that poster on my bedroom door!!

I just have to say that if my husband came home to a silent house, he'd probably turn around immediately and head back to his car to call 911 to report that his family has either been kidnapped or chopping into a tiny million pieces. I would never be able to get the kids to be that quiet!

Freely Living Life March 10, 2010 at 6:17 PM  

Hi there!

I found you through "Friday Follow" and am now following your blog through Google Friend Connect! :)

I am looking forward to reading more of your posts. Come on over and visit us when you get a free moment. <3

liz March 10, 2010 at 6:57 PM  

LOVE your tongue-in-cheek look at life then vs. now. Following you through BF.

Jenna @ Newlyweds March 11, 2010 at 7:10 AM  

This is hilarious, I love the daily dose of Mother's little helper, why don't we do that anymore, lol!!!

Carolee / Home4ever May 4, 2010 at 11:12 AM  

LOL- that is too, too funny!

I think I may have to follow you :-}

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