How To Be A Good Wife - Week 3

Well ladies - here it is....the latest edition of How To Be A Good Wife 1955 style vs. 2010 style.

For a recap of Week 1's lesson, click here and for Week 2, click here

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1955 Rule #3

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes.

They are little treasures, and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, and vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

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2010 Rule #3

Before leaving the house to run errands, make sure you've taken your daily dose of your "Mother's Little Helper"

As you strap your kids into their car seats, explain that if they behave like this....

The will be punished like this....

Run through the checklist of do's and don'ts for expected behavior such as....

DO NOT:

Ask for candy, sugary cereals, balloons, toys, ice cream or any other "fun" thing that should be a part of childhood.  We are not running errands for fun.

Tell the cashier that we buy Daddy beer to make him happy.

Surprise mommy by throwing extras into the shopping cart.  Mommy does not like to see ultra-sensitve condoms ribbed for her pleasure rolling down the conveyor belt.

Scream in the middle of the store at the top of your lungs "Mommy, I'm so hungry...why don't you feed me?" when I tell you that no, you may not put four boxes of Oreo cookies in the cart.

"Help" mommy by taking your baby sister for a ride in the shopping cart around the store -- leaving mommy to race around the aisles looking for you.

Beg and beg and beg for yet another McDonald's Happy Meal only to argue that your sister has more french fries, better toy, more pickles than you.


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Once you get home and get the kids, groceries, 2 15-lb. bags of dog food, extra sippy cups that have fermented, and fossilized bagels unloaded from the car, begin to make lunch for your little treasures.

Referee fight between children as they yell that her sandwich is bigger than mine, you forgot to cut the crusts off, I don't want milk, I don't want juice, She got to pick the TV show last time, it's my turn now.....

Mentally run through your list of discipline techniques that you read in Supernanny's book.  You know, the one that is now shoved under the back leg of the kitchen table to keep it from wobbling.

In your mind, find yourself wanting to do this....

But wisely opt for this....

Realize that the day has totally gotten away from you and that your bread-winner husband will be coming through the door in just a few short minutes. 

Curse under your breath as you tell your oldest to please go wash the paint and dog fur off of her hands.

Look at the baby and realize that somehow she got into your make up again. 

Decide there's no time for a bath and wash her face off with a wet wipe when you change her diaper and applesauce crusted jeans.

In the few minutes that you have before he comes home, load the dishwasher, throw a load of laundry in the washer and dryer, and do a quick run of the vacuum.  Tell yourself that these soothing household sounds will tell your husband that you've been busy all afternoon preparing your home for his arrival.  Snap yourself out of that little daydream as the kids start to scream again for dinner.

After the day you've had with your children, give up and realize that you look like this when he comes home.......

As opposed to what he really wants to see when he opens the door....

Toss the kids at your husband, tell him he's on his own for dinner, and head up to the bathroom with a bottle of wine and the latest trashy magazine for at least 10 minutes in a hot bath!